i keep wanting to blog....

about how the antelope valley is stuck in 1986 with the amount of blow that seems to be going into people's noses, but then I realize it's probably not that interesting to anyone who isn't from here or isn't doing it. It seems people who enjoy their coke enjoy the fact that they do it almost as much as doing the actual drug, and that doesn't even compare to how excited they are to tell you about it.

Which is funny, because I like being a drunk, and talking about it, but I don't see it as that big of a deal. Must be all of that christian hypocrisy left over from the glory days.

God bless the Antelope Valley, I wish it was closer to the ocean so my dreams of it falling in wouldn't be so far fetched.

It took all I had to not quote that live song.

I left two bars tonight.

Both times there was lightning, but it was far away, somewhere else.

And it is always somewhere else.

I want to drive to the lightning, be rained on, hear the thunder, see the flash.

But I am stuck in this valley. No lightning, no thunder, no rain, nothing.

This valley is dead and it is dragging me with it.

so it is sunday...

This is the first Sunday to have a video. It will continue on. This wonderful song is "Laid" by James. I think it helps express what I was thinking yesterday, but it might not. It feels right though, and that's what important.

The thing that sticks out the most about yesterday was being at Maxdon's. I had a great time at Wing and a Prayer, and a great time at the party, I even had a good time at Maxdon's, if I was only there for maybe 15 minutes. But it felt strange.

Last night I couldn't figure it out. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the confusion, or maybe the jealously, or maybe the joy, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

It was the role reversal.

I have spent MANY nights at that bar. Tons, shitloads, ooddles, whatever. Probably an average of about 2 nights a week since I was 20.5.

Yeah, I'm a drunk, that's not what this is about.

Quite a few of those nights I sat at a table or in a booth (HA! I'm inside myself!) with my ex and Bill and Crystal. And a lot of those nights someone we knew would stumble in, or stumble over, have a drink and leave. We would still be there bullshitting about music or sports or our drug addict friends or dogs, and this friend would leave to go back to their business.

And last night I was the stop-by.

I like to think that we were always cool with the person, including them in conversations and trying to make them comfortable. Because it would be shitty if we didn't. And I would like to think that they didn't stay long because they had exciting things to get into. And I understand that position now.

It was a bad idea to go there last night. I hope I didn't make anyone uncomfortable, but I'm sure I did. I hope I didn't seem like an asshole, but I'm sure I did.

I had put a bunch of shit about dealings with my ex here, but, really, it's not important.

Oh yeah, it's Father's Day. Just like how it was in my family, I'll just gloss over it.

I'm going to go celebrate not being a father with an enchilada or two and a margarita, in honor of my father, who likes to drink.

Enjoy your day.

p.s. an update on "second chance" is on it's way.

celibate girl walks into a bar

(no one pictured is celibate girl)

I used to have "a bar". The one I went to all the time, the one where I knew the bartenders and owner and cooks and all of it. I still know most of those people, and I still go there, but it's not the same. As I enjoy saying, "I lost it in the divorce". That is not 100% accurate, but that is ok.

I ended up there tonight. I was trying to make headway with a lady who is not the second chance, but interests me none the less. She never showed up. But celibate girl did. And that is fine. Most of me has moved passed my fascination. But part of me is still getting kicked in the balls about it. And her are the sordid details.

Celibate girl showed up, probably invited by Robert, because with one comes the other, most of the time. She shows up with a gentleman, whose name is Kevin. (I just decided to get rid of all sort of fake names/pseudonyms/whatever. Celibate girls' name is Hannah. All parties are happy. Or at least me.) Hannah and Kevin aren't old enough for cheap car insurance, let alone able to buy drinks. After being asked to buy a Jager-Bomb for Kevin I devise a plan and make it happen. (It was asked for by Hannah on Kevin's behalf) I use a plan because I used to love this bar, and even if my feelings have changed lately, I still respect it. It comes out later that someone already bought him his Jager-bomb, and mine was a "gift".

Fuck That!

I drank at this bar underage, and the tips reflected that. I have drank and drank and drank at this bar, and my tips reflected that. But I just got screwed.

There have been conversations between myself and Hannah about getting to know each other better. We might have tried a little bit, but not that hard. So I sat in this style of chair I have sat in some many times before, and it hit me. I am being used.

Hannah might not be into this Kevin, but she might as well be. Don't use me to get other dudes drunk.

She tries to tell me there was a misunderstanding, and tries to give me money. I won't take it. I tell her that it was a lesson. And I learned it. So I get rid of her. DELETE! I don't have her number anymore, I hope it lasts.

The point to this whole thing is that I don't need this shit, I am drunk, and I hope someone will learn a lesson.

the omniscient narrator has a drink

Tuesday night I sat in a bar with Bill in a booth removed from the main action of the evening. There was some interesting sexual power plays going on between some friends and acquaintances. There was a moment where the tension got kicked up more than a few notches. The type of situation where your body gets really hot and you have a thin layer of sweat that just jumps off of your skin. It can be scary/exciting when it is you. Like when you get caught in a lie, or kiss comes from nowhere, or when Grossman drops back to pass. It is an entirely different feeling when you aren't involved any more than a spectator and it hits you.

Bill and I both said the same thing when this person walked in the door, "I just got really hot!"

About a half hour later a disaster was averted when there was a near miss of awkwardness by timing of arrivals done to the second. It was like watching a movie.

It made me think about how much a second or two puts us in some many different situations in our lives. It is exciting to me to say the least.

**note: picture is not from the other night, but a year and a half ago. same bar, used for reference.