The withdrawl of troops

The mornings come faster then a week ago. There is more noise: the rumbling of stomachs, the creaking of knees, and the ever-present soundtrack of men from Scotland trying to find the same place in their lives that I am flipping a coin to choose to run away or hide from. The cough is back, it is strong. It fell from trees, broke both arms, but quickly dusted itself off and ran straight down the street. There is no blood though. No open wounds. No trickle from my nose. My heart is finding ways to pound, but it does it's best work in dreams of old houses and drunk texts to women who don't even exist anymore. Or rather women who don't exist the same way in my heart or my head. There is more smoke. There is a hell of a lot more fire. There are fortresses, encampments, armadas, fronts, prison camps and place to smuggle all the worthwhile things out of the country that is my life. The fucking skin is fleeing my finger tips. It has been a while but it is still too familiar. If I had saved my photographs from the friends and places of years before this would be the time to set them on fire. I recruit new hands, new captains of ships that I will run into ground. No self destruction this time; Just trying to sow together a quilt to remember everything that isn't around anymore. Things I miss and the things I will forget. I am cramming my life full of living, someones idea of dreaming, and losing everything I can't keep in my pockets. Grab a bucket, there are holes everywhere.

this year it is is this one, last year it was that...

The last two years, more than the years before, I have had a specific song play over and over in situations that would later become important.

Last year it was the song at the end of this post. Those times are another story entirely. This post is for the moments so far concerning the video above...

There is a radio station out here that considers itself indie, and apparently that just means they don't come in very well. (I'm kidding, they are really good, but their reception is shit.) I heard the song one night driving my car, or Stephanie's car, I don't remember. A few days later the video was on the "on demand" part of our cable box and I watched it 10-12 times. (It is on repeat as I type this, to put me in the mood.)

I've had some rough spots the last 2 months. I don't document them even though I would like to. Long story short, I am where I want to be, and a good portion of the people I surround myself with are not. Believe me, I wish I could, but I can't. I feel like Island Girl.

My loneliest nights and days have had this song attached. Some of the worst thing said to me have had this song attached.

I am both sides of this song. I am neither. I am this song. I am not.

Burritos!

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200 - mix

I love that numbers like this get us all sentimental. This is my 200th post on this blog. In high school I had a crude diary on a free server that I had to code everyday and upload. Then I had a couple other blogs and misc things. This one was started less than a month before I moved from Lancaster to Sacramento. It survived the move there and back. I think for the most part I did too. It stayed with me through the pretty consistent chaos that has been the last year. Everything on here is wordy, except when it's not. It's sad, except when its happy. It's boozy, actually, pretty much always. One of my favorite things about blogging (besides the invitations to orgies at my own funeral) is putting together a mix for an occasion, sorting it, uploading it, and sharing it. If there is any occasion, this is one, so I put 13 songs that are just killing me softly (and sometimes not so soft). There are some older stuff, some newer stuff, and some surprising stuff, maybe. It's about this blog, the stuff I've written about, the stuff I didn't write about, and the people who still check this out. Brew some coffee, put some booze in it, browse through some of the older posts, before I knew what labels were, and enjoy. I'm actually listening to this mix as I type this, and it's pretty fucking good. Have a good chinese new year, even though I'm a few days late.

200 - http://www.megaupload.com/?d=3FPI56CD
Joining The Army - Lucero
Our Life Is Not A Movie Or Maybe - Okkervil River
I'm Sorry for Saying I'm Sorry - The Arrivals
Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley
Personal Slump - The Weight
The Wright Wrong - The Wunder Years
Red Alibi - Sparta
Never Get To Know - Paul Baribeau
God Deciding - Hot Water Music
The Condition - Defiance, Ohio
Song for Dennis Brown - The Mountain Goats
That's What You Get - Paramore
Hot Knives - Bright Eyes