filling the silent apartment

with the sounds of the Pogues the day after Christmas. filling my empty belly with a too strong hot chocolate/peppermint schnapps drink that is cold now. I've switched to the postal service for some inspiration if I start messing around with a synth tonight. Christmas went well. I couldn't get full, and I couldn't get drunk, and I tried all day. This time last year I was sitting on a bus. Remeber that? I think my seat mate had prison ozzy tattoos on his hand. My nose is peeling and I don't know why. It seems to be that time where I am running into people I haven't seen in a few years. It is all starting to feel very strange. 2009 will be a banner year, much like 2007 I imagine.

2008, you've let me down and made me feel like a prom queen. Seriously.

Her name was Jessica

I met her sometime during my junior year. She was a transfer to our little private school community. I remember having a science class with her. And I remember one of my good friends was trying to pick up on her. I was making out with a different girl named Jessica who I had a crush on the previous year but now decided to return the favor. I got invited to a birthday party by a girl who was a couple of years younger than me who I was kind of friends with. I wanted to buy her a present, so I asked if this new girl Jessica wanted to go to the mall with me. At this point my friend wasn't trying to pick her up anymore. After we went shopping there was a couple of hours until I had to take her home and go to this party. I half jokingly asked her if she wanted to go make out. She said sure. I took her to my mother's boss house, who was in England. We took a pad off of a pool lounge chair and put it on the ground and started making out. I got to second base as fast as I could but got stopped there. I spent the next 45 minutes or so with my hand up a shirt, sloppy kisses on my mouth and grinding my crotch into hers, jean on jean. I still remember how uncomfortable that felt. I took her home, we laughed and joked the whole way to her place. We hung out a few more times, hooked up and enjoyed each others company. Then she started dating someone, and I think I started dating someone and we just stayed friends.

About 9 months later I was keeping myself occupied with random girls and thoughts of college and everything that happens the last months of your senior year. My parents were in the process of splitting up. They still lived at the same house but spent a lot of time with the people who would become my steps. One particularly lonely afternoon I called Jessica. I invited her over. We hadn't hooked up since Christmas the year previous probably, or maybe later, or sooner, I don't remember. When she showed up at my door the first thing she said was that she wasn't going to kiss me. I hugged her and said no problem. We walked through my empty house to my bedroom. I think she had been over before, probably for a party. I put on some cd that was killing me at the time and we sat on the bed. Soon we were laying together, sort of spooning, sort of anxious, sort of distant. I think she said she had changed, that she didn't do that sort of stuff anymore. I told her again that it was ok. I told her I wasn't looking for that. She asked what I was looking for. I told here I just wanted someone there, someone to help fill the empty house, but life back into the coffin that had become my bed, my room, my house, my life. She looked shocked, a little. She hadn't signed up for this. I didn't know what she expected. Probably to repeatedly push away my advances. Maybe to give in. Maybe early afternoon sex. Maybe a bible reading. But she didn't get any of that. She just laid there next to me with a hand in my hair until she had to go home. And she left.

We didn't mention that afternoon. We rarely talked, except for school stuff and mild gossip at lunch. I think she is married now with a kid. And on that one day she did more than she will ever know for me.

I know what it is like to be breasts

I'm riding back home on the train last night at about 1 in the morning. A man with a chiefs (the hockey team from slap shot) championship sweatshirt and cornrows got up to get off of the train and then sat down in a seat perpendicular to Allison and myself. As usual, I was avoiding making eye contact. It appears all eye contact brings you on public transportation is a question for money or an invitation to a fight. While avoiding the gentleman's eyes I notice his hand. It is in his lap, between his legs. It is pinching his dick. And rubbing it. And squeezing his balls.

He is looking at me and has a smile on his face.

It was top 5 funniest things to ever happen to me. This goes on for about 2 more stops before we get off (maybe him too! HUZZAH!). I had to bite my lip from bursting out in laughter the whole time. It was seriously hilarious. I haven't had to hold back laughter that hard since my junior year in high school.

I had a friend Nick Lee. Since we went to a christian school we were supposed to go to church once a week. You actually had to sign a paper saying you went to church that week. You were allotted so many missed church days a year, so, you know, if you are on vacation you don't have to track down a church. At one point during our junior year we decided to go to a different church every Sunday. We'd hit them all, and we were going to start with Christian Scientists. About 20 minutes into the service(?) there is a sound similar to a little kid saying BAH! really loud. Both Nick and I start to chuckle and then start holding it in. It is quiet. We look at each other and little spits of laughter keep coming out. I am almost crying. I went out side and laughed my ass off and collected myself. I came back in, and as soon as I sat down it happened again. We ran out of there and never looked backed, laughing all the way to Am/Pm.

I digress.

I was the proud fantasy of another man last night on the train. What a perfect ending to a great day.