pray for cambria

In less than a month, I will be attending a wedding in Cambria. Weddings are fun, I like to cry at them. It is for my half-cousin (she is a full person, just half booth blood) who I have never met. I haven't met any of my half-family (see previous parenthetical statement). This makes me excited because I like to meet new people. Now here is where things get interesting. My dad and stepmom are flying out from Texas. At christmas we (myself and my ex) told them that we would go, so they booked a double room/suite/townhome/thing to stay at. Well now I am still going. I told my dad a couple weeks ago that I was going to bring a date. No problem. I talked to him last week, and he made sure that I was still coming and was bringing a date. I told him yes, but that things had changed from date to platonic friends and that we were still going to go together and just hang out and fun. No Problem. So 2 days ago I get a call from him to tell me that my half-aunt told him that there going to be some single girls at the wedding (my half-cousins, all 3 of them, are within 2 years of my age in either direction). No Problem. Then later I get a message from him saying he wanted to talk about how I was getting there. Strange, because it had been discussed everytime that I and whoever was going with me were going to drive up the day of the wedding.

Yesterday he called me and told me my stepmom wasn't comfortable with someone she hadn't met staying in the same room.

WHAT!

It was fine when it was my girlfriend and there was the possibility of them waking up to us bumping uglies. And It was fine when it wasn't my girlfriend with the same possibilities. But now that it's platonic it's not ok??!?!?!

From the same woman who was "doing" my dad in our house while he was still married to my mom (who coincidentally was "doing" someone else too, but just not in our house)? The same woman who the first time I met was crying on the front porch at 2 in the morning asking to come in and see my dad? Yes, the SAME woman.

What does that say about her faith in my choice in friends/women? What does that say about what she thinks about me?

The idea was thrown out that me and my friend tim go to the wedding instead. Tim and me, both single, at a wedding, probably a worse idea than my platonic friend coming with me.

What this brings me to is this: Pray for Cambria. I am PISSED! So this wedding is going to get me on overdrive. I'll still wear my long sleave shirt (as requested by every person alive who will be there who's paid more into social security than me) and I'll still shake hands and be polite, but as soon as the I DO'S are DONE, so is cambria. Sleaves will be rolled up. Drinks will be drank. Drugs will be done. A whirlwind of booth is going to go through that reception, and those people will never see me again.

I'm thinking of wearing the suit the principal from the breakfast club wore so I can say "you mess with the bull and you get the horns" and mean it.

sleep

...makes you realize that the night before was good. Sometimes you have to be away from it to figure it all out.

i came to see you up there in intensive care

i told whit today if i had a stroke while watching basketball to let me die. i couldn't afford to go to the hospital.

i was right.

i can't afford anything. i don't want to.

i had an afternoon/evening that was short on substance and long on everything else.

joni mitchell was right, but she couldn't see the forest for the trees.

i must sleep, alone and comfortably.

a mine gutted of it's contents

I sat in an empty house, ate a burrito and watch a movie. The Last Kiss. At some point in the movie everyone was in an empty house, by either decisions of others or their own. I identified with them. I remember when I moved out of this house on avenue M, when it was empty of all of it's contents, it felt like I had never been there before. And it felt like I had always been there and belonged nowhere else. That house had a lot of windows. I am beging to think my happiness has a large correlation to the size/amount of windows where I am living.

There were a few arguments among the characters in the movie. And I couldn't help to think about how most of the time no one understands our decisions or motivations for them. We are all there, at one end of the conversation, trying to explain ourselves, knowing that the other person can't/won't understand. And we all end up on the otherside too. If we could just remember what it is like from one side to the other, life would be better.

last one out of liberty city, burn it to the ground

Right around the time I started drving, I began listening to a lot of Less Than Jake. All the time. I hated Lancaster, I was not enjoying the demise of my parents marriage, and I wanted to move away. Today I was listening to "Hello Rockview" and all those feelings came flooding back. Or rather memories of those feelings. And some of them are still true, and some are long dead. And it is making me feel like I sold out, or am about to, the next chance I get. I don't like it. I guess I'll just have to give away some soup.

who's that lady who won the boston marathon and only ran a mile?

I went jogging today. First time I have been running for the sake of running since I could grow facial hair. Being that I'm a "punk-rocker" I put on my running shoes, which are also my dancing shoes, and my ass kicking shoes, and my wedding reception shoes, and my... well you get. I have work shoes and non work shoes. (I would only have one pair of shoes if I wouldn't slip all over the place at work) So I put on my van slip-ons, my black dickies, my irreverent t-shirt, grabbed my ipod, a bottle of water, went to a park and started jogging. I did all right. My first mishap was I set my ipod to 25 most played, and apparently I am a drunk with a taste for sad alt-country songs. Not the best soundtrack for physical activity. Maybe I should as seen it as an omen, because my second mishap was just around the corner. We (being me and my jogging partner (yeah, i had a partner, the only thing I do alone is shower and drink)) would jog some then walk then jog then repeat. It was working all right till I decided to puke. There was a lot, so much so I didn't know where it all came from. I felt like I was on SNL and I was in a puke sketch. It was one of the most satisfying vomits of my life.

things you realize at 3:49 in the morning

• sleeping might help you stay alive, i might lead you to missing life
• mid-day waitresses at breakfast restaurants should not be your proofreader
• the purchase of gift(s) for people who know they are getting them, and fail to mention said gift when you see them next, was an ill-concived purchase
• when you think nothing good can come from zoni's, you are right
• never accept a third/fourth party invitation
• always drink free beer
• when you think you will see someone in a bed later, find the nearest sucker, bet him, reap rewards, repeat
• if you leave a building, and you feel you should be stopped, and you're not, you were never wanted to begin with, and you should never go back.
• the surest way to go somewhere again is to say you'll never go back
• if two people say the same thing about someone they have very little personal knowledge of, it's probably right
• but don't believe them till it breaks your heart
• the squeeky wheel gets the grease, especially if you are that wheel, and you are the third/fifth
• when you least expect it, tangled up in blue by bob dylan will make too much sense
• letter writing is a lost art, and there are reasons why our arts are lost
• as soon as you put down in writing you have yourself figured out, the people who you think deserve to know prove that you were just as nieve and boring as you were before.
• 3:49 alone is better than 3:49 betrayed, even if the person didn't know they betrayed you
• i'll make the same mistakes tomorrow
  

i was as fast as carl lewis, on fire

This guy got me. At one point I was standing, then I was laying on the ground, on the other side of the fire. And my hand was bleeding. I thought I had cut it. This morning I found out it was a burn. I didn't know, I've never been on fire before.

Last night at about 9 I baptized myself in the ocean. It wasn't cold, it was perfect. I mean, it was frezzing, but I didn't notice so much. I call it a baptism because it was, an outward gesture reflecting an inner change. It makes me happy.

I am sitting at home now, and I feel really nervous. Actually, I havent eaten since early this morning, so it's probably that. I've got an idea that will cure both.

swimming in the ocean at sunset - mix

Today myself and some members of the DBC are going to do a quick beach camping trip. In honor of the occasion I put together a quick 9 song mix. Enjoy!

swimming in the ocean at sunset

• All Sown Up - Lucero
• Sink Florida Sink - Against Me!
• Boatless Booze Cruise - The Lawrence Arms
• A Perfect Sonnet - Bright Eyes
• In Your Wake - Matt Skiba
• The Desperation's Gone - NOFX
• See America Right - The Mountain Goats
• You Might Be Right - Avail
• Dead End Roads - One Reason
  

we all hide a diary beneath some mattress

I have been accused of thinking that everything is a matter of life and death. And I have been accused that I feel life has to be dramatic and over the top. And I have been accused of holding on to a romantic notion of life that doesn't actually exist.

They were right every time.

I sat around and talked and drank with dan and bill last night, and in somethings they said I realized that all of those things are true about me. And that I like it. We talked about how experiencing pain is better than not experiencing anything at all. How, no matter how quickly it is come to or how wrong it may be, having an opinion about something is better than not. It can be hard to rely on yourself for your happiness, and it can be hard to find happiness in others, but it's doable. As much as I enjoy spending time with friends, sometimes nothing feels so good as lonely walk in a grocery store.

I thought I had a reason for all of this, but I think it's just for me.

I'm going shopping.

the tyranny of lakes

I spent a couple days at this lake a few months ago, on the occasion of a friends wedding. It was a great weekend with new experiances, rebonded friendships, sunsets. I am reminded of it almost everyday. There is a picture of my "roommates" kissing in front of the lake next to the couch. There are random pictures of people I know posing in front of the lake and/or dancing floating around the internet. There are pictures saved on my computer. And I come across these and remember. That's the case this morning. The trip was 4-5 months ago, far enough away to view it with some perspective but not too far off where you only remember the good stuff. There were the same old fights, brand new laughs (49,50 bagels?!?!), and more than likely, conversations that will never happen again. I woke up early one of the mornings and went for a walk around the chalet's and cabins, my legs burning from the hills/usual lack of excersize. I hadn't been on a walk in a long time. I've done more walking since.

contents might contain song about marrying a cat

Despite the feline community's apparent hatred of all things travel, I still enjoy a good song about inter-species marriage. The initial setup for this mix was the idea that someone else would have made it for me. I have done that before, but it is interesting to see what songs you think would get to you now that wouldn't get to you before. Somewhere along the way I ditched that idea just to throw something together as a soundtrack to the weekend I hope I end up having. I'm going to work a bunch, travel a little, and probably drink in quantity somewhere between those two. Come monday morning I hope it worked. If not, I'll still smile. I'm including the tracklist so you know what your getting into this time.

Have a good weekend.

Anthony

Para Todos!

• Water Manes At The Block's End - Latterman
• None of the Above - The Weakerthans
• Please Come Home - Dustin Kensrue
• Cat Heaven - Jets To Brazil
• The Ramblin' Boys of Pleasure - The Lawrence Arms
• Samson - Regina Spektor
• So I Fall - Small Brown Bike
• Chemistry - Jawbreaker
• Old Dead Tree - Defiance, Ohio
• Glasshouse Tarot - Sparta
• All Night Long - Lifetime
• New Amsterdam - Elvis Costello & The Attractions
• I Know It's Ture But I'm Sorry To Say - Violent Femmes
  

mr chandler, grocery shopper

Parallel universes exist, and they are somewhere on aisle 12 next to the nail clippers and eye lash curlers. Let me explain.

If you know about my new window, then you know I recently settled down in a new location. One of the things that comes with moving, in addition to trips to the dump and celebratory/sorrowful shots, is shopping at a new grocery store. There is a Vons next to the new location of my bank, and there is another one on the route I take to work. They are about 5 miles apart. Yesterday I shopped at the Vons on the way to work for some Jagermeister and baby thing, neither one for me, fortunately and unfortunately. I browsed a lot and made my purchase. Today I went to the Vons by my bank for some fruit (thanks Dan!), water, and stuff for veggie burritos. It was like shopping at the other Vons, but it was different. The workers looked very similar, but here they were older and plumper. Things were in the same relative area, some same aisles even, but flipped. I would remember seeing something yesterday, went to where I thought it should be, and it wouldn't be there. But if I turned around, there it was. It was a very strange day at the grocery store, and if you don't believe me, well, I forgot to buy beer. That isn't like me a all.

Here's the title explanation. I shop at Vons because of location(s) and that club card thing. At one of the previous residences where I still have keys, a roommate of mine applied for a club card. She used the phone number for the house, which was already attached to an account from the previous house I lived in. (Apparently I also collect phone numbers.) So now when I shop I put in my old phone number to save the cash. When the checker hands me the receipt, they look at the bottom, see her name, assume I must be her husband (what a poor judge of character these checkers are. Most of my purchases are of the alcoholic nature and I could be married? Well, it (didn't) work for my parents, so anything is possible.). Then they make this face, because usually they just checked my driver's license to make sure I am old enough to buy the things I buy, and my name is not "Mr Chandler", but they give in and say "Have a good day, Mr Chandler".

Strange times at the store indeed.

the thing that drove away the rain

picture this. i wake up, there is no sound of children, it's raining. it's beautiful. whit is sitting at the dining room table. he tells me that he made a quick little rainy day mix, and i said what a great idea, i am going to do it too. so i sit at my computer and stop putting it together. it stops raining. so here are 11 songs to listen to while it's raining, or while it's not. whatever.

no more rain

have a nice day

the happiest days of your life

After waking up from a night of hanging out with sergio, which, to the un-initiated, usually involves way too many drinks, I decided I am going to make a short list of some of the things that make me happy. In no particular order:

• any time i am able to do an exagerated fist pump while singing along to music, either live or over a stereo
• taking blurry pictures
• wearing a tie when i don't/not supposed to
• being the passenger on silent car rides, both happy and sad
• being the driver on loud car rides
• playing songs for the people they are about, preferably outside
• explaning to total strangers that i have a tattoo on my arm because it's what john wilkes booth said after he killed lincoln. that and their faces when i say it
• crying at weddings
• getting choked up in a situation that shouldn't make me choked up and trying to play it off
• unexpected phone calls/emails/messages
• this

have a good day.

10thousandth of a second and everything that is wrong with america

Here we are. 2007. Information is exchanged in time that we cant even comprehend, not even in NBA terms. I ask the computer: "How many times did france fall?" and I learn that in in world war 2 there was a battle called the battle of france, and it was also called the fall of france. and it was May 10th. That's only six days from May 16th, which is that great Lagwagon song about everything you have ever lived, right? Just another saturday, right? And at this point it all ties together. Another saturday, or thursday night, or friday morning, what is the difference really? 10 thousandth of a second to say "yes" or "no" or "because of everything that has ever happened, from the stairs as a child to everything i said to my friends last night". maybe the towers fail us. maybe they failed us years ago. because, you know, as they say, since 9/11 it's been hard. maybe not for me. or maybe not any different. so how do you spend your nights now? post -9/11, post adolescence, post opinion, post sacrifice, post anything that might have a built in reason? well, let's be honest. you wait around for an answer to a question that was the response to a statement about something that you honestly meant. and if you haven't learned anything yet, tonight you might learn that honesty isn't always the best policy. or you'll learn to keep your mouth shut. or you'll learn that as long as you do what keeps your heart honest, you'll be ok, even if not tonight, while you loose to a buzzer beater that took longer than it took for you to fall in love for the first time.

happy v-day, neither one of us won

Happy Valentine's Day (and happy birthday to my mom and other fortunate souls to be born today). I will be celebrating with booze, and with that in mind I put together a mix to be the soundtrack of my day. 14 songs, some happy and some sad. The above picture is from postsecret. It helped in song selection. So, whether you plan on having a good day, a bad day, or a little of both, listen to this mix, think of me, and raise a glass. We should meet at some point.

happy v-day neither one of us won

rain meat and cat piss

short and sweet. i left two houses today. they were miles apart. it was raining both times. i also decided to give up meat. an impromto but heart felt dedication to bobb. the white cat in this house, who i think is named norman, just pissed in my suitcase. good luck if he gets anything to eat from me now, bastard.

Keys they complicate my life.

As a child I collected keys. I had a key ring with all sorts of different keys on it. I think I had every second key to every door/padlock/chest/drawer in my childhood home. We moved out when I was seventeen, and I threw all those keys away. I started a new collection soon after that. A couple of car keys, a couple house keys, a key to a lockbox, a nice small set. Just like the collection it soon grew to include mailbox keys, townhome keys, keys for a couple houses, for my room, for the garage, for my second room, for a door that never got used. When I moved out of that house, the glorious house on Avenue M in Lancaster, I got rid of all those keys. This is the point of origin for my current collection of keys, my most impressive to date. In chronilogical order: 3 truck keys, 2 lostwood house keys, 2 sacramento house keys, 1 gas cap key, 1 j-14 house key, 1 bike lock key, 1 texas house key, 1 storage unit key, 2 whit's house keys. That's where I stand now. I really enjoy having all these keys in my pocket. I think it has something to do with all these available safe havens, or that I am trustworthy enough to be trusted with keys, or it might just be that I like having keys that I never use.

Resurection February!

it's been a smidgen of time, hasn't it? hopefully everyone is doing well. i have a new window to look out and a new view looking back at me (see above). This place (blog, not space i look out window from) should be getting pretty cozy and well worn soon enough. Come back tomorrow, you'll be glad you did.