the days grow shorter

As previously mentioned, summer's over. That is still the case. If the other areas of my life hold true, then soon I will miss it.

But I don't know if I will.

Summer is everything at once. Summer is overload. Summer is excitement. Summer is death. Summer is the worst decision you have ever made followed by the best. Summer is endless nights of endless drink and endless conversations. Summer is everyone you ever wanted to be with and no one at the same time. Summer is the crowd your parents warned you about. Summer makes a man mean. Summer makes a man strong. Summer makes a man.

And it is over. The hibernation is setting in. The fatigue is here. The late nights are fewer. The empty beds spring up more often. The jokes we told don't get the same laughs, the love the same looks. Less people come around. They don't stay as long. They don't try as hard.

And neither do I.

I pray for apocalypse or armageddon or terrorism or strokes. I take a little longer to apply the brakes, I wait a little longer to push the gas. I say less and less and less to everyone from random faceless names to my parents.

I cried last night. In the middle of a small crowd. Just enough. A friend of mine played some songs, for probably the last time. And he played this song that showed up at a time when I was finding my own bearings and missing a lot of things. A time when nights were spent at places I used to live with people I used to know and the world I used to live in was changing, and I was on a couch or in a guest room. And the song was about a man who I didn't know, with a problem I didn't have, but a coping mechanism I could relate to.

So I cried. Enough to have to wipe tears away. Enough to feel a little better. Enough to say I cried.

I can recognize this feeling in my chest. And it spreading to my arms and my head. Things will be different soon. Smiles will be had by all.

Hello fall, I don't think I recognize you.

late nights at lakes and loose ends

This is no proper summery of my vacation. It is something.

About 30 minutes ago I got home from a lake. I sat on a log with a girl and participated in the sort of conversation/flirting/self-deprecating humor that would have Anthony-circa-1998 proud. I had been at this lake before, and I was the same person. It had been years.

I would like to think I know what I am doing. I don't. I react with the same sort of rush to judgement that has put me into many a pickle before. I don't think, I feel, and I act. Most of the people I know are used to it by now, the ones who don't call to make sure I am not dead.

I see cycles repeating themselves as I look around my room. To part of me it is ok, comforting, to part of me it is scary.

I saw a lot of stars tonight. I am going to try to remember that feeling, along with the feeling of disappointment with the unreturned small advances and the one-arm-hugs that end an evening, far too long after it should be over, but just before it should begin.

Now, the loose ends.

• Daniel, I received your mix in "the post". (Am I right?) I listened to it while some friends and I got in on some slip-and-slide action. Also, a little during a fantasy football draft. Whit was there, he can tell you. (p.s. Ash - one of my favorite bands in high school. That cd, 1977, soundtrack to the unintentional rapid growing and dismembering of my heart. I love that song.) Thank you very much.
  
• Speaking of Whit, the however many things I love about him will be coming soon.
• My gangster name is silly. It confuses me.
• I un-quit my job. My vacation realigned my mind. Too bad it popped other parts out. More to come.
• It was nice to stay up to date with all of the blogs on my vacation. I am sorry you didn't know I was there, but I was.

I have all sorts of interesting things lined up. I actually made notes of things to blog about while on my vacation. Surprise, surprise.

The video is The Mountain Goats. They will make your life better.

p.s. - I will fix the banner, promise.

(don't) go chasing waterfalls

I am in Oregon. I went to this waterfall yesterday with my parents and their new puppy. There is a trail that takes you about 60% of the way down. We walked down it, then I hop over the railing and hiked closer. I got to where the dirt patch on the right narrows into the skinny darker path. I sat on a rock, took some pictures, and let the mist of the waterfall spray me in the face.

The vacation is nice. Life is slow up here. That's ok.

Just wanted people to know I was alive.