ellipsis

this year it is is this one, last year it was that...

The last two years, more than the years before, I have had a specific song play over and over in situations that would later become important.

Last year it was the song at the end of this post. Those times are another story entirely. This post is for the moments so far concerning the video above...

There is a radio station out here that considers itself indie, and apparently that just means they don't come in very well. (I'm kidding, they are really good, but their reception is shit.) I heard the song one night driving my car, or Stephanie's car, I don't remember. A few days later the video was on the "on demand" part of our cable box and I watched it 10-12 times. (It is on repeat as I type this, to put me in the mood.)

I've had some rough spots the last 2 months. I don't document them even though I would like to. Long story short, I am where I want to be, and a good portion of the people I surround myself with are not. Believe me, I wish I could, but I can't. I feel like Island Girl.

My loneliest nights and days have had this song attached. Some of the worst thing said to me have had this song attached.

I am both sides of this song. I am neither. I am this song. I am not.

memorial day celebration via youtube

The amount of effort I put into this is seriously lacking. Tomorrow, it will be much better, I promise. Enjoy your day bbqing, I'll be rocking out in Pomona!

That last one is my two friends Roach and Bert and me smashed on Christian Brothers in the front of my house.

not the update you were looking for....

Its really nice outside. I want to have a bbq. So I am going to. But I think everyone is at work, or doing something else. Sorry I haven't been around. I like being outside. A keg would be nice, like in this video.

I'm not trying very hard, am I?

computer attacks, I attack back!

My computer can be a bastard. It likes to make me reinstall windows. So I comply. Thats what I've been up to. Exciting crazy ridiculous news in a day or two, ok? In the meantime enjoy this video, I have burritos to fold.


The Get Up Kids - Action & Action

Minus the dancing - Video Day

My life is just like this video. Minus the dancing. And the pregnant girlfriend. And the fire escape. And Rod Stewart. But other than that, exactly the same.

"Young hearts be free tonight, time is on your side"

Fuckin' A, Rod Stewart, Fuckin' A.

I was thinking about that, the young hearts part. And I'm pretty sure he meant young as in age, especially with the running away and parties and all of that. But I prefer him to mean young as freshly in love. When it first starts to happen, when you wake up for the first time thinking about them, when you call them for the first time just to hear them talk, or when you make plans to do nothing but bask in their presence, you are young. You act irrational, like a teenager. You save their text messages/emails/voice mails and go over them over and over again. You think of the tiniest ways to make them smile, or make their day that much better. It is such a great feeling. Until it fades.

But I'm thinking it doesn't have to fade, right?

Young hearts be free tonight, time is on your side indeed.

this first week - video sunday

The Good Life - Heartbroke

The title of the song does not relate to my life right now. That is nice.

My first week back in California has been good. I've been on a couple of bike rides. I'm still walking places and driving the least amount possible. I've got to see a bunch of people I have really wanted to see. I'm playing music, writing songs and writing in general. I've taken a bath. I'm about to take another one. I am happy to not be in Chicago, I am happy to not be in the army, I am happy to not be sad. Yesterday I did have a spot, a little rough patch, and that is where that blog came from. But between the sunlight, the sound of activity in the house, the conversation of friends, the records spinning in the other room, the planning of days and nights to come, well, I am better. I don't have a job, and the shrinking money makes that a worry. But it's not too bad of a worry. I think that everything should happen very fast. I should be working already. It has only been a week. It will be ok. Everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to. And with that I will take a bath and go for a walk. Enjoy your Sunday, and if you can, hug your mother.

p.s. about the jet blue flight. besides the two next to me, there were only two other empty seats. and the kid didn't throw up till almost the end of the flight, I had been up for more than 24 hours, and I am against rewarding someone for not enjoying turbulence ;)

the trinty of blog posts. -mix, update, video day

Three things in one day. Pretty exciting.

When I was moving out here to Chicago a friend from high school said all road trips should have The Weight by The Band as part of the soundtrack. So as I embark on another path in life, I figure I'll start it out with that. My time in Chicago has come to an end. Come sunday around 11 am I will be a California resident. I am moving back into my old room. I don't have a job. I don't have a car. I don't have a bike. These things will work themselves out when I get there.

I could probably explain why I am going back, but I also can't. It is pretty much everything. I'll get in to specifics, but till then I have this mix. It might help explain. I fly on sunday, keep your fingers crossed for turbulence.

some things in my head - mix - http://www.megaupload.com/?d=4N4007AZ
Last Songs - The Gunshy
Attention All Pickpockets - the Mountain Goats
3am Qvc Shopping Spree Hangover - The Lawrence Arms
Francie Nolan - Lifetime
Tire Swing - Kimya Dawson
Get Big - Okkervil River
The Black And The Red - One Reason
Keep The Car Running - Arcade Fire
One More Time - Joe Jackson
People II: The Reckoning - Andrew Jackson Jihad
Bring on the Dancing Horses - Echo & the Bunnymen
Wherefore Art Thou, Elvis? - The Gaslight Anthem
P.S. New York Is Burning - Jawbreaker

virginia is for video day

see how I did that?

I was thinking about what to post today, and it was headed in the same sort of sad, self evaluating tone as most of my recent posts. Then I thought, "Hey, everyone knows this stuff already, why don't you do a video day post?" So that is what today is. Video day, with a theme. These are some of my favorite bands, and they all have something in common with imperceptibility, VIRGINIA!

So watch these videos, enjoy your sunday, keep your fingers crossed I don't have some sort of exciting nervous breakdown before we speak again, and if you happen to be in the Evanston, Il area between 3:30 and 10 tonight, come to Chili's, I'll make you a drink.

Tim Barry - Lombardy St (One of my favorite AVAIL songs, so two birds, one video)


Smoke or Fire - The Patty Hearst Syndrome


Strike Anywhere - Instinct


The Riot Before - Take That, The Government (I saw this exact performance in Florida at noonish on a saturday. I was drinking a tall can of PBR. It was nice.)

The Riot Before - live at the Fest 6 from Chris Moran on Vimeo.

And a bonus scene from High Fidelity that keeps playing over and over again in my head for reasons unknown.

things i would rather be doing then going to work

which is what I am doing.

bikes. music. fun.

dead to me - special professional

who wants tea?

I was going to blog the other night. Instead there was an impromptu whip undie party. Enjoy.

Summer's Over

When I sat down to make this I realized I didn't have the patience for it. So here is a mostly chronological slideshow in celebration of the end of summer. The song is by Latterman.

the crunch of snow underfoot

As pointed out by whit pointed out, it hasn't rained in a fucking long time. This desert is taking whatever it can from my body to make up for it. I thought I liked the rain, until I spent for months in Sacramento, and it rained every day for about 6 weeks. I miss every one of those days now. I miss a lot of things lately. So I am going to go to whit's house and share a beer or 5, then I will celebrate my exroommate/current friend amanda's birthday. Champagne anyone?

movie rain is just water in a pipe

My understanding of how rain is obtained in movies is this: person pulls up a truck filled with water, hose attached, turned on, "it rains".

My understanding of how decisions are made in my life are this: person pulls up a truck filled with ideas, I become attached, turned on, "it rains". (it's not as sexual as it sounds, I promise.)

I've touched on this before, but I am going to try to expand the thought process this time.

When looking back on the things I did when I encountered the fork in the road I see a pattern, a way of thinking. I never pulled over. I never asked for directions. I just put on a blinker and went. Deciding on which colleges to apply to? Yup. Deciding to move? Yup. Falling in love? Yup. Falling out of love? That one too.

This has led to many days in unfamiliar places. Sometimes I wished to go back, and I tried, and I just ended up leaving again. Somethings I don't miss at all. I can fill a column of accounting homework paper with homes and jobs and friends and lovers that I have not and will have no problem never seeing again. (double negative? probably.) Then I also have a column that I miss tremendously, some weeks more than ever. I want to go back to those things. Some I have tried. And some of the time it didn't work out. And other times it did. And other times I haven't even been back, because the opportunity presented itself and I couldn't take it, or it never showed up.

I exchange other people's happiness for my own. I am a selfish person who requires a lot of attention and a constant update on what the people around me are feeling and thinking. Something may work for a while in keeping me happy/together/in one place, but once it stops I am done. I don't try to fix things. I don't try to figure out why that thing no longer works for me. And I don't try to figure out if I am the cause of the problem.

This all comes from my dealing with some feelings the last few days I have woke up. I feel I have been pushed into dissatisfaction with life, but really I have just been waiting for an excuse to drive that car into a lake like I'm a Kennedy.

Tomorrow: WHIT!

late nights at lakes and loose ends

This is no proper summery of my vacation. It is something.

About 30 minutes ago I got home from a lake. I sat on a log with a girl and participated in the sort of conversation/flirting/self-deprecating humor that would have Anthony-circa-1998 proud. I had been at this lake before, and I was the same person. It had been years.

I would like to think I know what I am doing. I don't. I react with the same sort of rush to judgement that has put me into many a pickle before. I don't think, I feel, and I act. Most of the people I know are used to it by now, the ones who don't call to make sure I am not dead.

I see cycles repeating themselves as I look around my room. To part of me it is ok, comforting, to part of me it is scary.

I saw a lot of stars tonight. I am going to try to remember that feeling, along with the feeling of disappointment with the unreturned small advances and the one-arm-hugs that end an evening, far too long after it should be over, but just before it should begin.

Now, the loose ends.

• Daniel, I received your mix in "the post". (Am I right?) I listened to it while some friends and I got in on some slip-and-slide action. Also, a little during a fantasy football draft. Whit was there, he can tell you. (p.s. Ash - one of my favorite bands in high school. That cd, 1977, soundtrack to the unintentional rapid growing and dismembering of my heart. I love that song.) Thank you very much.
  
• Speaking of Whit, the however many things I love about him will be coming soon.
• My gangster name is silly. It confuses me.
• I un-quit my job. My vacation realigned my mind. Too bad it popped other parts out. More to come.
• It was nice to stay up to date with all of the blogs on my vacation. I am sorry you didn't know I was there, but I was.

I have all sorts of interesting things lined up. I actually made notes of things to blog about while on my vacation. Surprise, surprise.

The video is The Mountain Goats. They will make your life better.

p.s. - I will fix the banner, promise.

the more things stop the more they must go on

That is Tim Barry, he is good.

It's 3:15ish on a saturday night. I am alone in my bed for the first time in probably about a week. The days seem to be bleeding together. That happens when you do the same sort of things everyday. I wake up about 11. I eat some lunch. Some music gets played, either live or on speakers. I go to work. I almost break down. I drink. I spend my nights with a lady. Everyday. That is what I do. No ties, but it might as well be a nine to five. No wife, but it might as well be a nine to five. Sometimes it feels like no life, but it is still better than a nine to five.

I am in life reimagination mode right now. I put in my notice at work. I shaved off my beard, which I've had pretty non-stop for about 4 years. I am putting mental price tags on all of my possessions, in case of a fire sale. I am assessing my personal value, in terms of how much my time is worth, and if I can turn my time into a place to live and food and time with friends. I am making decisions with little to no thought. I am wondering if this is it, or if there is someother path, or door, or window, for me to take.

Dan said the other night that women were prone to trying to fix their lives by running away, by moving to a new town, finding new friends, new thoughts, new loves, but not doing anything different.

My X-chromosome must be acting up.

I love flying...

...and my favorite thing about flying is turbulence.

Turbulence makes me feel alive! The knot in my stomach, the racing of my heart, my mind thinking of what people will say at my funeral if the plane goes down. I love turbulence alone, I love it sitting with family, I love it holding the hand of someone I wouldn't mind dying with. I want to get a job that has me travel by plane for business. I want to feel the jumping/hoping/shaking of the plane once a week, every week, for the rest of my life.

I get to fly from Burbank to Seattle to Redmond, OR a week from monday. I can't wait for the shaking to start.

An update to yesterday: I actually had a really good time with all the craziness. I think taking the second nap really made things turn around. That and the shot of whiskey that made me throw up. Those two things made my night end well.

I guess tomorrow I will do the 5 things I dig about Jessie MeMe Island Girl tagged me with. She keeps this up and I'll have to tag her.

I got an email last night about the one that got away, or, more accurately, the one that if I had ever had the chance to, she would be the one that got away. That's a bit confusing.

Have a good rest of the day.

where do my sundays go...

I spent the evening working. I spent the later evening with bill and gabe talking about the things that brought us to where we are: parents, women, alcohol, hatred, love, and bands we will never see again. Some things got brought up that almost had me at the verge of tears. It was nice to see that I am not the only one. It was nice to see that things are different for all of us.

Sorry it's not sunday, but monday. If you were here, you would understand.

TMI - Video Sunday

The wonderful IslandGirl tagged me for this a few days ago. I have been thinking about it all week. So here we go, too much information about me.

1. In junior high I had a suicide pact. It was myself and this girl Jessica Andre. We wrote it out and both signed it. We made two so we could each have one. I don't remember ever coming close to having to follow through, but there was talk of pills one especially horrible thursday. She became a stripper who then got married and had a couple kids. I became a drunk. She is divorced, we don't see eachother.
2. My dad had a stash of porno in this locked cabinet. I figured out how to get into it with out unlocking it. I broke the lock one day and tried to fix it. He figured it out and fought with my mom because she though she did it. Turns out he had pictures of his mistresses and letters from them in there. I never told either of them. But I liked porno, what are you going to do?
3. I don't need to watch porno. I just have to hear it. I get off more easily and with better quality just by hearing a woman moan and talk during sex. When I lived with my ex and we could hear our roommates making business I would be instantly in the mood. Her, not so much.
   
4. I was in a relationship for 5 years. It was the result of a bet.
5. I was two shifts away from being engaged. I went to the mall after a training meeting at work, picked out the ring, filled out the credit application, and waited. I needed to put down 500 bucks, then I could finance the rest. I had 375 on me. I told the salesperson I would work my next two shifts and have the money to come in. She put the ring on hold. I didn't go back.
6. I will get vivid sensations in my mouth of the barrel of a gun. I have never had a gun in my mouth, but I can taste it.
7. I threw away all the pictures I had ever taken before I had a digital camera. I don't want to remember how my life used to be, the good parts and the bad parts.
8. When ever someone says "where do you see yourself in xxx years?" or "what do you see for your future?" I see myself driving a car and a little girl is sitting in the passenger seat. She is my daughter, she's about 10, and my wife is dead.

Well, there you go. I nominate Frowning of A Lifetime, Rattling the Kettle and Honea Express. Make it happen.

Enjoy your sunday.

so it is sunday...

This is the first Sunday to have a video. It will continue on. This wonderful song is "Laid" by James. I think it helps express what I was thinking yesterday, but it might not. It feels right though, and that's what important.

The thing that sticks out the most about yesterday was being at Maxdon's. I had a great time at Wing and a Prayer, and a great time at the party, I even had a good time at Maxdon's, if I was only there for maybe 15 minutes. But it felt strange.

Last night I couldn't figure it out. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the confusion, or maybe the jealously, or maybe the joy, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

It was the role reversal.

I have spent MANY nights at that bar. Tons, shitloads, ooddles, whatever. Probably an average of about 2 nights a week since I was 20.5.

Yeah, I'm a drunk, that's not what this is about.

Quite a few of those nights I sat at a table or in a booth (HA! I'm inside myself!) with my ex and Bill and Crystal. And a lot of those nights someone we knew would stumble in, or stumble over, have a drink and leave. We would still be there bullshitting about music or sports or our drug addict friends or dogs, and this friend would leave to go back to their business.

And last night I was the stop-by.

I like to think that we were always cool with the person, including them in conversations and trying to make them comfortable. Because it would be shitty if we didn't. And I would like to think that they didn't stay long because they had exciting things to get into. And I understand that position now.

It was a bad idea to go there last night. I hope I didn't make anyone uncomfortable, but I'm sure I did. I hope I didn't seem like an asshole, but I'm sure I did.

I had put a bunch of shit about dealings with my ex here, but, really, it's not important.

Oh yeah, it's Father's Day. Just like how it was in my family, I'll just gloss over it.

I'm going to go celebrate not being a father with an enchilada or two and a margarita, in honor of my father, who likes to drink.

Enjoy your day.

p.s. an update on "second chance" is on it's way.