Friday, June 25, 2010

S is for Sabotage...

I'm burning candles. They aren't for you. They are for me. There is a sacred heart of a woman, a saint's prayer and a guardian angel. One day last week, when I was preparing for the hellfire and brimstone that my heart had earned, if not deserved, I bought them. They were going to save me.

Something is always going to save me.

There's been jobs, loans, women, friends, cities, yellow birds, checks, booze, anarchy and god.

I'm not sure if I need saving. I definitely need protection for myself. There's only one gun in this room, and its pointed right at my chest, no one will survive.

And why not? Four hundred times before this, something, someone, somewhere, moved that target enough to put words down. Four hundred times before this night something had to get out. And I am really glad it did.

Because if it hadn't, if it had all stayed bottled up, thrashing around, gnawing at itself, what would happen? How could the rapidly approaching pain in the pit of my stomach feel? How would this night be going, putting off sleep so I can think about how the moon is getting closer and closer to crushing me?

See, that's sabotage.

That's what I do.

It has been hard to stay positive. It has been hard to believe my ears. It has been hard to feel the pounding of my heart honestly. It has been hard to know if your heart pounds, beats, or flutters. It has been hard to sleep alone.

It has been hard to not fall.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

R is for Rewind...

I slept for forty five minutes earlier that day. Before that a friend of mine went up to the old stomping grounds with me to see my father and step-mother. Her mother had just passed away so they flew out from Texas for the occasion. Sitting around a dinner table talking about weddings, babies and funerals while everyone eats fried chicken is not as exciting as it sounds.

So we left.

We went to the old bar, the place that used to have most of my drinking memories, for a drink and to meet up with two friends. Our foursome retired to their house soon after. I went to bed on a couch for forty five minutes after the sun rose without my noticing and my nose was kind enough to not start bleeding on my shirt.

Work was a zombie adventure. The blood came at work, somewhere between the chip machine and the dish room. Coworkers with no experience were confused, others knew exactly what was happening.

I went home and tried to sleep. I think I took a nap for five or ten minutes, if I even slept at all. My body was exhausted but wanted that feeling back. I started drinking wine.

That is when you came over.

Sweatpants. No contacts. Hair in a tattered mess.


We sat across from each other and drank hot chocolate. Mine definitely had baileys and schnapps in it, yours probably did too. We talked about our exes, or soon to be exes, and everything wrong with them. I retold parts of my nights, not to brag, and not to warn, but to shed light on the things that sometimes happen at all night garage parties. You weren't stunned, or shocked, or surprised. It was nice.

I realize now that I didn't know you very well then. And you didn't stay very long. But I can still see you sitting on the couch opposite me, me mugs of cocoa and booze and glasses of wine deep into my evening, you peeling back layers of yourself.

That was the first time I got lost in your eyes.

And I was miles away.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Q is for Quiet...

Things are too quiet. I can hear my heart beating. The tapping of my fingers on the keyboard echo down the hall. I've lived inside this room for almost a year. It used to be filled with all of these things: hate, love, desire, passion, distrust, confusion, anger, drugs, booze, women, baby steps, possible families, kisses, stolen kisses, kisses grabbed quickly on the way back to real life, burritos, religious candles, songs, lies and the occasional heart breaking confession...

If you have been keeping track, the countdown is over.

Twenty days, they flew by like fucking nothing. What do I have to show for them? Some heartburn, some new artistic tendencies, a friend or two, and my heart being taken from me.

That is what we all expected, isn't it.

I'm too drunk to fight or question. I'm going to my empty bed. I'll think of you...


Saturday, June 19, 2010

P is for Passion...

My skin was hot in the water. You used ice to try and cool it down or show me a different way of feeling. The bottles had long given up their contents and sat in the distance like the skyline of that city I go back to every few months to make sure it is still there; to make sure I am still alive. Friends of years of yours and minutes of mine slept soundly in the living room, a slight hum from another continent the only sound. If you were me you'd be lost in your eyes too. I keep my hands above the water, rubbing the tips of my fingers, the sensation recalls other nights with you and this is the closest I will get to ever crossing my fingers again. The sky is getting closer to bright blue by the second. You have to feel my heart pounding out of my chest. The shock waves bounce of the walls and crash back into me. Maybe you are immune to it. Maybe you don't notice it, constantly being bombarded with things like this. Maybe your heart beats just as hard and it cancels mine out. When I kiss you I taste copper, the blood from hours of trying to get the most out of life as we possibly can. I let you go and you curse the sun for taking away the night. I silently curse it for taking you away from me.


Monday, June 14, 2010

O is for Outage...

The wine is still good. I put saran wrap over the top; I threw the cork away. Apparently last night I decided that I was going to drink the whole thing. When I woke up this morning I felt like I had. Sleeping in the clothes you wore for about nine hours at work makes you feel worse than you actually do.

I am a functioning power outage. I am full of misplaced rage. I melt for a smile. I get lost in this pair of eyes.

I recognize the quiet before the storm. Things are going to get rough around these parts. I've been working making sure everything is secure. Not so much boarding up windows, or selling things to move across the country, but definitely putting up caution signs and warnings for curvy roads, falling rocks and flash floods.

The wine and the heat in my room are making me sweat...


Tuesday, June 08, 2010

N is for Nostradamus...

I could tell from the beginning that this wasn't going to turn out the way I had thought. There is the smell of sulfur in the air. I put it there. I'm burning wood matches to stay awake. They are in a rectangle box from a bar named after half of my yearly income. That half of my yearly income shares its name with a bar is suiting. I have the shakes from the last five or six years, but probably more from the last five or six months. I can really see them right now; I am spinning the matches as they burn towards my fingertips so the chard part twists to give a physical presentation of the twisting of the chambers of my heart and the tightening of the muscles around it. There is no solace in the sweaty can that almost slips out of my hand to empty its contents on my keyboard. Nothing changes with that. I still shake. She still doesn't call. I write more though, and I guess you have to be tortured to be a tortured artist. My four chambers are quitting on me. They used to make these: passion, desire, courage and love. Now they sleep through their shifts. There must be holes in them, letting all the good things out. It hurts when it beats. It hurts when it thinks. It hurts when it feels. It hurts because it feels like waste.

It isn't though. Not even close.

It is life.

And today it is great.


Friday, June 04, 2010

M is for Miles...

I stood on the roof of a venue last night. My pupils were big, my eyes were wider. I looked up at a building where friends and friends of friends do drugs different then the ones I was on right then. If it wasn't the breeze on my skin, or the cigarette smoke filling my lungs, then the chills had to be from some combination of her eyes, voice and hands. Sweet words were whispered into my ears about manifest destiny or the secret spots in our hearts that you need more than one map to find. Our hands were locked in a death grip, sweaty from the beating of hearts full of possible love and drugs, fingers rubbing together to keep the sense of security alive. The brown of her eyes was being over taken by the black of her pupil, and they said everything I knew. Past, present, and future laid end to end counting the steps to a heart.

I rub my hands sometimes to remind me of how it felt to be so close.


Tuesday, June 01, 2010

L is for Lists...

Two nights ago you told me about your lists. You told me about how they stress you out, make you anxious. I didn't tell you, but I was envious. I make lists, but not of plans, not of goals, not for my future. They are all things I've seen, mistakes I've made, places I've been, things I've fucked up. I heard a man sing this morning that memories are sinking ships that will never will be saved. That is where this came from, that is where my head is right now.

I am anxious. Every second of the day. There is a countdown in my head. It currently stands at twenty days.

I've seen things end. I've watch myself strike the match that burns bridges to the ground. But this time, this time, not so much. I've never been in a leaky boat, but I can feel the water coming over my feet. My arms aren't moving fast enough. I can't row to shore; I can't bail the water out. The boat is deep, over my head, and I can't see which way to go. The water isn't stopping, it won't stop, and it will be over my head soon rather than later. I can't swim. I have no place to go.

But I have to sit there.

I have to make the hole bigger. I have to make more water come in. I have to sink deeper. I have to fall harder.

I made a soundtrack to this catastrophe. I have made a few. They play all the time, on loop in my head, on repeat in my heart, and on never ending in my room. My housemates must hate these songs. Too bad for them. In twenty days they will probably hate me.

Dark suits. Ties. The saddest songs ever.

Twenty days. It's all over in twenty days. Two months of the best days, the happiest nights, the most intense thoughts, feelings, discussions, trips, life. Twenty more days.



Maybe I am actually figuring all of this out. I don't seem to be making the same mistakes. I don't seem to have the same sort of unrealistic notions of my life.


I'm not writing this hungover, checking my sent messages for my feet, drinking a beer, eating stolen chips, waiting for someone to call who isn't going to; am I?

To quote myself, worse case scenario we're falling apart.