Wednesday, December 31, 2008

12 months of 2008, plus one - mix

It's almost 6pm, New Years Eve. I have no plans. I'm waiting to figure out what I'm doing, so I made a mix. One song for each month of 2008, plus a bonus one for next year. I hope this finds you happy, safe and excited for what 2009 will bring you.

12 months of 2008, plus one -
January - Over And Out - Alkaline Trio
February - This Is A Fire Door Never Leave Open - The Weakerthans
March - Channel The Boss - Deepshit, Arkansas
April - This Year - The Mountain Goats
May - The Radiator Hums - Cursive
June - Humble Narrator - Two Cow Garage
July - Big Casino - Jimmy Eat World
August - Moab - Conor Oberst
September - Jinx Removing - Jawbreaker
October - The Swiss Army Romance - Dashboard Confessional
November -Caleb's Grave - Drag the River
December - I Gave Too Much Time To The Wine - The Gunshy
2009 - 100 Resolutions - The Lawrence Arms

Friday, December 26, 2008

filling the silent apartment

with the sounds of the Pogues the day after Christmas. filling my empty belly with a too strong hot chocolate/peppermint schnapps drink that is cold now. I've switched to the postal service for some inspiration if I start messing around with a synth tonight. Christmas went well. I couldn't get full, and I couldn't get drunk, and I tried all day. This time last year I was sitting on a bus. Remeber that? I think my seat mate had prison ozzy tattoos on his hand. My nose is peeling and I don't know why. It seems to be that time where I am running into people I haven't seen in a few years. It is all starting to feel very strange. 2009 will be a banner year, much like 2007 I imagine.

2008, you've let me down and made me feel like a prom queen. Seriously.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A series of thoughts as I sit around pre-gaming.


That is what I am doing.

What is it?

Well, its the drinking you do before you go out drinking.

  • I'm not sure if buttered toast is a bar snack anywhere, but it going really well with my beer right now.
  • Christmas came really fast this year. Last year it was an afterthought with the big move and everything, but wow, it got here fast. I was at a store 5 days ago and they were selling discount Christmas lights. I guess if you put them up in October you don't need them 12 days before like I did.
  • I'm going to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party tonight. Does this mean office ladies get together and have Tight T-Shirt/Tight Pants parties? Do they stand around dress like I do and drink beer from cans with koozies and laugh at how ridiculous they look? When I walk into their place of business do they almost want to ask me where I got my Tight T-Shirt like I do when they wear their ugly sweaters into Peppers?
  • Did I mention I'm working at Pepper's again? It's way better than the glory days, that's for sure.
  • I finished my first semester of school since I think before I was able to drink legally. I feel very proud, but I could have done better.
  • Noam Chomskitty doesn't like it when I pet his FUPA. I am making him fat.
  • Canoga Park can get really cold. Not Chicago cold, not even close. But wearing a tshirt and shorts in November will make your body forget how cold it once was.
Well, time to go party. Maybe a picture tomorrow?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Best of 2008 - mix

I know some people, and they know some people, and those two groups have been making Top Ten Albums of 2008 Lists. I thought about doing it, and in listening to some of the albums that came out this year I realized there were a bunch I liked a lot, and a bunch I sort of liked with a couple really kick ass songs. So I decided to make a mix of my favorite songs from 2008. They are in no particular order, and they are all over the place. Its too long for a cd, sorry. 26 songs to listen to that week between Christmas and New Years when you either don't drink enough or you drink too much. Plus, as Bill pointed out when I told him about it, this way people can hear some new stuff. So, enjoy.

Best of 2008 -
1. My Year In Lists - Los Campesinos
2. Stay Positive - The Hold Steady
3. Sleep With No Bad Dreams - Good Luck
4. Drunkasauras Rex - Madison Bloodbath
5. Let's Dance To Joy Division - The Wombats
6. 5 Twenty 5 - Tim Barry
7. Ten Years Trouble - Off With Their Heads
8. First Song - Gordon Gano's Army
9. Cappuccino - The Knux
10. The Dirt Whispered - Rise Against
11. In The Craters On The Moon - The Mountain Goats
12. Drunk By Noon - The Measure [SA]
13. The Darling Days - The Gunshy
14. Shell Game - Banner Pilot
15. We Are Wild Stallions - The Riot Before
16. Juno - Tokyo Police Club
17. You - Atmosphere
18. Anna Is A Stool Pigeon - Tom Gabel
19. Walcott - Vampire Weekend
20. Little Brother - Dead To Me
21. Cath... - Death Cab For Cutie
22. Calling And Not Calling My Ex - Okkervil River
23. A Little Bit Cooler - The Cool Kids
24. Dear Sir - Bridge And Tunnel
25. A Jingle for the Product - Dillinger Four
26. Candle In The Wind (Ben's Song) - Andrew Jackson Jihad

Friday, December 12, 2008

Its good to know you're doing fine...

...with no reason to call.

I am bad at calling people. I'm bad at calling them when I think of them, or calling them back.

I blog more often than I talk on the phone.

Weird, huh?

I'm not sure what it is.

But for christmas, everyone is going to get a phone call. So if you want one, email me.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

this year it is is this one, last year it was that...

The last two years, more than the years before, I have had a specific song play over and over in situations that would later become important.

Last year it was the song at the end of this post. Those times are another story entirely. This post is for the moments so far concerning the video above...

There is a radio station out here that considers itself indie, and apparently that just means they don't come in very well. (I'm kidding, they are really good, but their reception is shit.) I heard the song one night driving my car, or Stephanie's car, I don't remember. A few days later the video was on the "on demand" part of our cable box and I watched it 10-12 times. (It is on repeat as I type this, to put me in the mood.)

I've had some rough spots the last 2 months. I don't document them even though I would like to. Long story short, I am where I want to be, and a good portion of the people I surround myself with are not. Believe me, I wish I could, but I can't. I feel like Island Girl.

My loneliest nights and days have had this song attached. Some of the worst thing said to me have had this song attached.

I am both sides of this song. I am neither. I am this song. I am not.

Friday, November 28, 2008

and the bath came back, the very next day...

I took a bath today. It was my first since turning 26. It was nice. My body is sore. A bunch of friends got together yesterday to play flag football. Apparently there are muscles in my chest and around my "core" that don't get any work. Those muscles don't like me today. I don't like them either. But as a gift to mend our rift I offered them a bath. They accepted and seem to be more comfortable. I'm going to walk to the store and buy some stuff to cook.

I have 2 days to apply to a university. I have no idea where to go.

Any ideas?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

slouching towards 30...

If there was a hill, and i was my twenties, well, now I am on the back side of said hill. Sunday I turned 26. Monday I recovered. I'm closer to 30 now than 20. That's what happens, right?

I've been in the process of neglect. I've neglected my bike, I've neglected my reading, I've neglected my cooking and I've neglected this. So, for probably the 17th time I'm going to make this thing more regular. I spend a lot of time sitting around watching people become chefs, best friends, fashonistas, sluts and drunks in a little box, I should be able to tear myself away for 15 minutes and throw together some picture with some anecdote about Noam Chomskitty getting neutered or throwing up arm in arm with a girl on my birthday. (That's the new Booth birthday tradition, two years running!)

Imperceptible was nice enough to send me some stuff in the mail. I'll take some pictures.

Hide your VW's I'm feeling frisky...

Friday, October 24, 2008

25 and no posture

I spent the evening making the apartment a home. I cleaned, vacuumed, and cooked dinner. For a while it worked.

A recently friendly face had decided to head back to Florida. I made the 5 minute walk to the bar to say so long. I keep collecting going away parties, hoping the ones for others outweigh my own. They might all be the same, drinks and smokes and bad music. Coworkers doing their best impression of friends, saying the things you are supposed to say so in a couple days it won't hurt to realize you forgot they left. I share a couple of shots, never with the person of honor, and exchange a couple of stories about the nights before I came around and what they used to do. The bar closes it's doors and everyone piles into their cars. I walked back, this time its a little colder and I walk a little faster. I cross the street when I'm not supposed to and I see my reflection in the windows of the diner as I walk past. I realize I'm slouching, and I have been for years. I straighten up and things are better when I get home.

The hours I've been spending alone are adding up like someone else losses on the market. Me? I'm just trying to make it out alive.

Friday, October 03, 2008

stealing other people's democracy, all by myself

There is a video floating around of a bunch of people telling other people to not vote. I think they are kidding. But they also say they are going to wait around for me to register to vote. So, I'm not register, and I'm not going to. Interesting?

I'm not going to link to that video, but I'll link to this one, it doesn't talk down to me.

More on this whole election thing to come.

Thursday, October 02, 2008


I just watched a video where some punk kids set fire to a bunch of buildings in Chicago.
I think...
I've been listening to this Ben Folds song because of Whit for a good portion of my night.
I've been drinking cans of beer with my cat. and VH1.
I took a quick walk, to a liquor store, and a pharmacy, and a market, and all I bought was the beer I've been drinking.

I miss the streets of Chicago. Not so much the city, or maybe the circumstances, or maybe my inability to stand up for anything at any point. Really, I'm not that sure. But I know I miss walking those streets with a hundred places to go, with fifty buses passing me by, with twenty five bars to stop in and drink. I used to pass people on the street.

Now I just pass their empty containers.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

7 things i think about while drinking beer alone in the apartment

in no particular order.

1. why does the number 7 always make me think of jesus?
2. if someone with a lot of credibility told me the things i did affected other peoples lives I didn't know, would i believe them?
3. seriously, punk rock should make everyones day better.
4. when I become a teacher, will I be able to do all the things I want to?
5. or will everyone have to read that book about the red fern growing?
6. will dan ever play music again?
7. why doesn't anyone deliver burritos?

wow, what a life.

Blogging as an existance

I would love to blog for a living. But I would get to distracted by fantasy football, death cab for cutie youtube videos and waiting for checks in the mail to get anything done.

I just wanted to post something today.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Her name was Jessica

I met her sometime during my junior year. She was a transfer to our little private school community. I remember having a science class with her. And I remember one of my good friends was trying to pick up on her. I was making out with a different girl named Jessica who I had a crush on the previous year but now decided to return the favor. I got invited to a birthday party by a girl who was a couple of years younger than me who I was kind of friends with. I wanted to buy her a present, so I asked if this new girl Jessica wanted to go to the mall with me. At this point my friend wasn't trying to pick her up anymore. After we went shopping there was a couple of hours until I had to take her home and go to this party. I half jokingly asked her if she wanted to go make out. She said sure. I took her to my mother's boss house, who was in England. We took a pad off of a pool lounge chair and put it on the ground and started making out. I got to second base as fast as I could but got stopped there. I spent the next 45 minutes or so with my hand up a shirt, sloppy kisses on my mouth and grinding my crotch into hers, jean on jean. I still remember how uncomfortable that felt. I took her home, we laughed and joked the whole way to her place. We hung out a few more times, hooked up and enjoyed each others company. Then she started dating someone, and I think I started dating someone and we just stayed friends.

About 9 months later I was keeping myself occupied with random girls and thoughts of college and everything that happens the last months of your senior year. My parents were in the process of splitting up. They still lived at the same house but spent a lot of time with the people who would become my steps. One particularly lonely afternoon I called Jessica. I invited her over. We hadn't hooked up since Christmas the year previous probably, or maybe later, or sooner, I don't remember. When she showed up at my door the first thing she said was that she wasn't going to kiss me. I hugged her and said no problem. We walked through my empty house to my bedroom. I think she had been over before, probably for a party. I put on some cd that was killing me at the time and we sat on the bed. Soon we were laying together, sort of spooning, sort of anxious, sort of distant. I think she said she had changed, that she didn't do that sort of stuff anymore. I told her again that it was ok. I told her I wasn't looking for that. She asked what I was looking for. I told here I just wanted someone there, someone to help fill the empty house, but life back into the coffin that had become my bed, my room, my house, my life. She looked shocked, a little. She hadn't signed up for this. I didn't know what she expected. Probably to repeatedly push away my advances. Maybe to give in. Maybe early afternoon sex. Maybe a bible reading. But she didn't get any of that. She just laid there next to me with a hand in my hair until she had to go home. And she left.

We didn't mention that afternoon. We rarely talked, except for school stuff and mild gossip at lunch. I think she is married now with a kid. And on that one day she did more than she will ever know for me.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008


I have a story that I want to share in the next couple of days. You will like it. In the mean time I'll eat some burritos and you go to BOOTH REVIEW!

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Dear VMA's...

No, I haven't watched them, but I'm going to. I was too busy watching the Bears beat up the Colts. Surprise, I know. I am watching the post show though, and I am confused. Is this where we are? 9 years removed from Nine Inch Nails debuting new music on live television? Say what you will about Nine Inch Nails, but at least Trent Reznor wrote music and no one from Duran Duran was in the band.


I'm going to TIVO this and watch it. No outside influence from blogs or anything. I'm gonna review it.


I'm launching a new site - BOOTH REVIEW - this is gonna kick it off.

Be Prepared.

Love, Anthony

Dear Football...

Today is the beginning of football season. I don't count the Thursday game. I don't like the Giants, and I don't like football on Thursdays. I have a few wishes I want football to grant for me this year.

  • Keep the Madden Curse ALIVE!
  • Let Hester Break the all time returns for TD's record. Against the Colts.
  • Let ESPN's Mr Fantasy Guy not convince me to start someone who will ruin my fantasy team that week.
  • Have this be the last 16 game season.
  • Don't let my cable go out during any games.
  • And last and not least, bless Neckbeard.

Go Bears!

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Let's keep the romance alive!

Apparently Christina Aguilera (?) and her man with a beard keep their relationship sexy by having Naked Sundays ALL DAY! That is what some woman with blond hair and a yellow suit told me while I was trying to watch college football,well, naked.

Being naked is pretty fucking rad. (Pardon my use of 80's terms of cool)

I'm naked a lot of the day, when I'm not in school or at work. At least the job all my friends know about. I did online philosophy and history homework today naked.

I talked to Whit on aim naked.

I'm blogging naked right now.

The only problem with all of this is if the cat is around he thinks my balls and/or penis are some sort of toy for him to bat at with his paws.

But you know what? Fuck Him!

Let's keep this blog sexy, lets keep our romance hot and heavy, lets save the whips and chains for when the kids are away at camp.

I'll blog naked.

You read naked.

All the world will be a better place! (I'd explain the benefits to the environment, but you already know that!)

***sponsored by The Secret Naturist Society***

***I'm kidding***

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Anthony Sells Out...

This blog is up for sponsorship. Why?

Because I am broke.

Surprise, huh?

No, I am not upside-down on the home I own, well, because, I don't own a home. And my bank didn't go under so I can't get my funds because, I have 4 dollars in the bank.

Yup, broke.

32 dollars in my wallet, 31 available on a credit card, some miscellaneous change in my car, and 20 dollars in 1982 uncirculated pennies I got for my graduation from high school.

I was gonna go to the pawn shop today to pawn my guitar, but I stopped because Stephanie said she would leave me if I do, and she was already pissed off, so I didn't, I believed her.

So I need some cash. Here's how we'll do it.

You can sponsor it for one day for $10.
Or seven days for $50.
Or a month for $180.

In return you get:

  • One post a day, two on weekends.
  • The option of picking the topic of the post(s).
  • The option of picking the style of the post(s).
  • A picture of myself (and maybe Stephanie) at your favorite Canoga Park Landmark.
So go ahead and think it over. Tell your friends. Post it on your blog. Add it to your church newsletter. Whatever.

Thanks, I have to go suck dick in the alley now.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Class, classes, classless.

Sunday and Monday I saw Matt, my friend from Chicago. We stayed up ill 3 drinking and singing and recounting those cold months I spent there and the warm months I've spent here. It was another example of how both greatly and positively music has affected my life.

I sat in my first class yesterday since sometime in 2003. Different, very different. I didn't know my way around the campus, there was no one I had a class with before, no one who went to my high school, no one's younger brother or sister. On 3 hours of sleep I did well. I was excited to be there, and I'm excited to go again tomorrow.

I say things at the wrong time. I say them the wrong way. I say them to get things I want. I say them to back out of things. I say them to avoid confrontations. The worst is when it is the best thing to do but you do it at the wrong time.

I'm getting better at rebuilding bridges I've burned. I don't think I need any more practice, but I keep setting them on fire.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

football and money

A year ago I was worried about where I was going to live and if I was about to loose my job.

One year later, today, I got a job working for the same company I thought was going to throw me out on my ass. And I live in Canoga Park.

Oh, how things change and how they stay the same.

Almost a whole bottle of Jack Daniels was consumed sitting on a nameless road tonight. We tried to figure out how we had even gotten things together enough in our lives to even meet. Chance encounter after chance encounter with so many people put us on that empty street.

I don't think I've ever been so amazed in my life, how things work out, come together.

You wonder where you change, or how you change. Places, people and things fall in and out of favor. Songs loose meanings, mountains don't scare you, valleys don't hold you, and you don't know why.

It feels good to do this again. The feelings are very different. But I love them.

I think if I ever were to be famous, or someone decided to document me and my life for the sake of prosperity, this last year will be the one. The one that sold the movie deal, the one that gets quoted on the sleeve, the one that people mine for ideas of how to not live their lives and how to create a character with no soul. This last year is the one that so easily folds me into a pretty little package with the ribbon and the shit-paper, my cliff note life.

But godamnit, it would be the best cliff-notes ever purchased.

Or not.

I got a lot of years left of fucking up ahead of me.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

30 days (almost, not really, close. sorry.)

Stephanie sits in a restaurant waiting to be interviewed for a job. These have been tryings days lately. There's a new car that refuses to start, sitting on one of the only streets in the San Fernando Valley without streetsweeping or parking restrictions. Pure luck. Every day from before 2 to after 4 in the afternoon we drive around and Stephanie picks up, fills out, and drops off applications. We argue about money, but it is more about the insecurity. Stephanie hasn't been here before. There are some days I feel just as old as her, and other days it feels like it's more than 5 years that separates us. I've been jobless for months before, selling things on e-bay to make rent and pay utilities, riding bicycles with Bill to a bar that wouldn't charge us for our drinks. I've wandered around a city of millions in falling snow, walked a mile and a half in the dark through neighborhoods I've never heard of let alone seen before to interview for jobs that I was completely unqualified for. Returning things you bought for a buck or two so you can get drunk and sleep through the anxiety, I've done that too. It gets exciting, trying to figure out what bill you can hold off paying, which peter you can rob to pay paul. I'm in the middle of a two week interview process to serve at Pepper's again. Almost 3 years of experience at the same place and I still need multiple interviews. If things would have worked out how I wanted them to, I'd already be stockpiling cash under my mattress.


Canoga Park is beautiful. There's graffiti, burrito places, vegetarian restaurants, a pool to swim in everyday, and an abundance of nooks and crannies to explore. A nice man named Bill runs the liquor store around the corner (Tally HO!). Our apartment manager is absent minded. Life is good.

Except the cat wants to kill me, and help me cook.

I'll unpack my camera and show you how things are.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

in 15 minutes....

I'll be with Whit drinking beer.

I am moving on August 1st to Canoga Park.

I start school on September 2nd.

I got a car that drives on freeways.

I'll be quiting my job soon, but shooosh, they don't know yet.

Then I'll serve again, maybe tend bar, and read more, and write more, and blog more.

August 29th 2009. Thats the wedding day.

See you there.

Friday, July 11, 2008

girls shoes

Yesterday I bought 5 dollar lady shoes to wear to work.

They aren't very comfortable.

And they dyed my socks black.

My kitten likes the way they smell.

I am alive. I still work too much. I'm moving again soon!

Friday, June 27, 2008

Sleeping Houses at Dawn

Tender eyes and hearts close and pound,
silence deep enough to drown,
Proud words and turning ache
swearing just for swearing's sake.
Wrong turns and blinking blinkers
taking place of abandoned winters,
Shorter skirts and warmer hearts
begging for this to start.

Glasses sweat and empty out
fears and hopes and loves and doubt,
No equal level and no familiar gauge
to finally feeling one's age.
Glowing blue and yellow days
now batting, Willie Mays,
Your father's face evolves
to fit all of us involved.

Still some smoke holds on
to the horizon at dawn,
And visitors leave flowers crossed
where the innocence was lost.
We count the paper for it's worth
and pray it stretches over earth,
fills our every need today
or makes us hate to run away.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

lunch break party is almost over

i'm smoking cloves, drinking beer, making a mix.

i leave to go back to work in 5 minutes.

i have no insurance, no smog, no registration.

i have 2 bucks in savings, 100 in checking, 40 in my pocket.

i'm out of gas.

i get paid in 10 days.

i work 45-50 hours a week. I don't get paid daily overtime. i get one day off every seven.

i'm in love. i'm in a great band.

i miss my families. i miss some of my friends. i miss my moustache.

i've never been happier. i've never been lonelier. i've never been so low. i've never been so high.

i love music. i love life. i love you.

have a great day.

i'm trying too.

VONS - 1 Booth - 0

A taped up 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon was purchased the other day. Last night while watching a scary movie in the dark I was drinking said beer and eating Oreo cookies. The second beer tasted strange. I thought it was the cookies. It was the beer. It was actually club soda. I was pulling the "beers" out of the box in the box and putting them in my koozie without looking. VONS, you got me!

Friday, June 06, 2008

So me and Frowning Bill are making a mix blog called The Crapulent Jukebox. His first mix is up, mine is being made as we speak. So add it to your blogroll and readers and things you tell your friends about. In the mean time, my breaks don't work and a burrito purchaser heard me call a co-worker a mother-fucker.

Happy times indeed.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

when in mexico...

I fold burritos for a living. I do the other stuff too. I put meat in them (yup), I put dairy in them, and rice, and beans, and sauce (yup) and good times. I also make tacos, tortas, bowls, enchiladas and the dreaded taquito.


Oh Yes sir, dreaded.

Yesterday a lady asked me if the taquitos were hard or soft.

Wait, the place I work at is like subway, but mexican. Actually, it is more white-boy-mexican, but whatever. So I'm on one side of the sneeze guard and you are on the other, and we move down the line and put the things you want into the thing you ordered.

Actually, I'm a lunch lady. No hair net, but a hat, and gloves.

So this lady asks me if the taquitos are hard or soft.

I say "Umm, they're taquitos."


Then I say "Uhh, they're hard (implied DUH)"

She let me know, angrily, that in MEXICAN FOOD taquitos can be hard or soft, and that she was MEXICAN. She also called me an asshole. Or rather implied I was an asshole.

I told her I didn't know that, and that I wasn't mexican, you know, in case there was any confusion or anything.

She might still be mad.

She had a taco instead. You know, the soft version of a taquito.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

days bleeding together

Folding/rolling burritos fills my days. I spend less time with my friends. I don't stay at their houses long enough, or try hard enough, or even show up enough. I go to work while roommates sit on the couch and come home and they are still there. I smell like burritos. I feel like a burrito. I don't hate my job. I don't yell at anyone or punch boxes of frozen fries. I'm just there all of the time. I can't find time to write, I can't find time to post blogs, I can't find time to write songs. I can't give all the time stephanie wants from me or all the time I want to give to her. I don't cook. I don't read. I don't take baths. I don't walk anywhere. I don't have any money. I get on the wagon. I fall off the wagon. Everyday is a blur, but not like it used to be, when I would work 5 hours, make 20 hours worth of money, and have a great time doing it. Now I work 11 hours, make 11 (or less) hours worth of money, and don't know where it is or where it goes. I'm on my break from work right now. I'll go back in 20 minutes. More burritos. More tacos. More people not saying please. More headaches. More calculated breathing. More. More. More.

I want less. Thank you.

Tonight: Bill's birthday.

Friday, May 30, 2008

day two

Day one had breakfast in bed and ice cream at night. I forgot to mention. Day two, the way mornings should be. This certain way she smiles when wakes up and realizes where she is is saved in my head. And every morning I make sure it is still there, and today it was. There was school for her and work for me. A stolen lunch break cuddle session. As I swept and replayed the previous days events I came to a conclusion. You decide to love some one. And you decide to love them as long as you want to. It's not chemical, it's a decision. You can continue to fall into patterns or not. You can hold things against people or not. You can let your parents relationship, your grandparents relationship, or your past relationships affect what you do today, but you shouldn't. And now I won't. Day two was good, but sharing it with someone was better.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

day one

Waking up at 5:30 in the morning not knowing if that is the last time you wake up next to someone you love is not something I recommend. 2 or so hours spent putting little kisses on a shoulder or cheek, trying to wake her up isn't as bad as it could be, just to long. That first conversation of day should never contain "are you staying?" or "do you still want to get married?" or "do you want to try to help me be better?. Make up sex should not have to occur, but at least it does. Hours at work should not be worn away by stomach pain and unreturned text messages. Knowing someone isn't leaving doesn't mean anything when you can't see them. But coming home to them on the couch with a smile on their face and a ring on their finger means more than you can imagine, unless you've survived a shipwreck, or been where I have, throwing away something that no matter how much you tell yourself you deserve it, you can't make yourself believe that you've earned it. That nights sleep is much less restless. To more nights sleeps like that.

memorial day redux

Every single hateful, angry, spiteful, baiting and horrible thing said by myself ran on repeat through my head. The list not as long as it could be, but still entirely too long. I sat in front of the door and watched as things got folded up, or stuffed into bags or thrown across the room. I said things that in the past may have calmed the situation down, or at least now make me feel better, but never worked. Tears and more tears. Finally it was agreed for one more night we would try. I didn't sleep alone. But I figured out that you don't have to be the person you have always been. And sometimes in the morning everything is ok.

Monday, May 26, 2008

memorial day celebration via youtube

The amount of effort I put into this is seriously lacking. Tomorrow, it will be much better, I promise. Enjoy your day bbqing, I'll be rocking out in Pomona!

That last one is my two friends Roach and Bert and me smashed on Christian Brothers in the front of my house.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

going to the sea

going to spend the day and night next to the ocean with some of my best friends and some of the best company in celebration of Bill making it to 25. pictures and stories to follow.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

lights of the (sort of) city

I am supposed to be asleep. I have a meeting at work in 5ish hours. I was supposed to be working tonight, but I didn't. Somedays you get sick. Somedays you pretend.

I'm looking out of my new window. There is also another window to my right. Both of them show lights. A shopping center. An intersection. A gas station. A liquor store.

It is pretty hot in my house, even now, at 1:32 in the morning. I have a bed made up in the living room, with a fan blowing on it, with a beautiful woman in it. I should be in it.

Something about all of this makes me feel really old.

The cursor sat there blinking at me. I could do nothing about it. I'm going to try to sleep. I'll get to what all this nonsense is about later.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

what? welcome back? - mix

The interweb has been restored at my place of dwelling. I moved my computer into the "band" room, so now I have a new window to look out of. The house is full of new faces. Not really, they just pay rent now ;) Yesterday it was something like 100 degrees, so Bert, Stephanie and myself bought squirt guns and had an old fashioned water fight. Shits tight. In honor of the return of the internets, I made this little mix. Its for Imperceptible, because I've missed her virtual self. (p.s. the Tim Barry/Chuck Ragan/Guy from Lucero show will own everyone!) And Henri, because I like him. It has some different things on it. Enjoy.

Welcome Back - Mix -
Dear Chicago - Ryan Adams
Paper Planes - M.I.A.
Jackie - Scott Walker
Candle In The Wind (Ben's Song) - Andrew Jackson Jihad
We Are Wild Stallions - The Riot Before
Burn Guelph Burn - The Sainte Catherines
To Hell With Good IntentionsvMclusky
graveyard girl - m83
Drunk Mouth Kitchen Smile - The Lawrence Arms
All Alone In My Big Lonely Apartment - Bomb the Music Industry!
The Lazyboy 500 - The Falcon
$4 Pabst - The Gunshy

Thursday, May 08, 2008

on the wings of a sleepy bird

I apologize for not being around. There have shows played, bikes ridden, drinks consumed, and internet shut off. All will be well soon. I hope all are saving their pennies for their flights to California next May;)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

About that picture

We went walking from her parents house down to the beach. We drank some beer and some brandy. We accidentally interrupted another couple enjoying the moonlit night. We stood a few hundred feet from the spot on the beach where the picture on the top of this blog was taken.

I didn't have a plan. I didn't have a ring. I didn't have an idea what the reaction would be. But I did it anyway. I got on both knees and asked her to marry me. If one is good, then two should be better, yeah? And she said yes. It was 1:16 in the morning. And only us, the moon, and the oceans knew.

I woke up in the morning, and we were both curious if we were still going to do it. We were. And we are. Phone calls were made to parents and the closest friends. Text messages and emails about the news were sent out. And now you know too.

If you read this, you are invited. We seem to be aiming for May of next year. When the official date comes, you will know. And you will get to see Whit marry people, in person!

So I'm going to start planning a wedding, you should start planning your next visit to California.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Saturday, April 26, 2008

not the update you were looking for....

Its really nice outside. I want to have a bbq. So I am going to. But I think everyone is at work, or doing something else. Sorry I haven't been around. I like being outside. A keg would be nice, like in this video.

I'm not trying very hard, am I?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

computer attacks, I attack back!

My computer can be a bastard. It likes to make me reinstall windows. So I comply. Thats what I've been up to. Exciting crazy ridiculous news in a day or two, ok? In the meantime enjoy this video, I have burritos to fold.

The Get Up Kids - Action & Action

Thursday, April 17, 2008

About Last Night...

Dear smile I see almost every morning I wake up,

I was laying in your bed last night, on top of your blankets and sheets. You were sitting next to me and we were sharing a burrito. I picked up your phone to take a picture, that technology has yet to make its way into my pocket. The picture I took of us was blurry, poorly lit, and the composition seemed off. I thought it was just the camera, so I asked to look at your other pictures. And it wasn't the camera, it was me.

There was the Statue of Liberty, and Times Square. There was me in the kitchen. There was that picture you sent me when I sat alone in that bar one night. And that was all that was familiar. There were a couple of a guy I have never seen before or met. But I think I know his name, and who he is, but I didn't want to ask, and you didn't offer any information, not like you did with the other pictures.

Now I know, personally, what you were talking about when we saw their pictures of San Francisco and the pictures of their visit to the mid-west accidentally showed up. When all you can think about is spending time with someone, missing them, wanted them to be around, and you see them enjoying their life without you, well, that is a feeling I don't care to revisit.

But you can't go back, you can't take away those smiles, those laughs, those tears or those kisses. And there is no reason to get rid of those mementos. If you do, you might forget why you don't visit those place anymore, it happened to me.

Then there were pictures of your friends. And of car rides. And babies. And pets. And you and your ex, the one I know. And that was a year ago. Or more. And you looked so happy.

I was hurt. Not for all of these pictures, but for the ones that weren't there. Of us. I thought that you didn't want pictures of us together in your phone, mingling with your past lives. And I thought that you might not take as many pictures as you used to. But I didn't say anything.

We shared a couch later, and some drinks. I remembered the flowers from mere hours before. Your surprise, and your smile.

And I wasn't hurt anymore. Who cares what pictures of who are where? Who cares if your interest in cellular photography has passed you by? At the end of the day, we share a bed, and in the morning, you wake up in my arms, smiling. And all of those hours between mean just as much, if not more. So I'm sorry for the brief cold sentences yesterday. Patterns are easy to repeat, ruts are hard to get out of, but I'm trying.

I hope you find this.


Saturday, April 12, 2008

the difference is in the distance

I am volatile. My highs are very high. My lows are even lower. My times in the middle are few and far between, and they are less everyday. I love so hard I want to wrap myself up with the ones I love and never see anything of them again. I hate so serious I have flashes of violent acts being committed on strangers and the closest of friends. I scream until my veins bulge and my throat bleeds. I drink to just before total blindness. And so on and so forth.

Since I have become aware of these facts, two people have been involved in my life to calm me down. The first made me boring; they stole my passion. The second, Bill, tells me things I don't want to hear. They are some of the nicest things ever said to me. At least by someone with their clothes on. ;) And he does this with out making me boring.

So I wanted to say thanks to him, he means more to me than he probably knows.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

tears on my headrest

I drove my good friend Gabe to work this morning. I was hungover. The sun was out, the air was still, it was beautiful. I listened to a band I've heard 1800 times again, and it felt new. I cried. When I got home I crawled back into bed. The day has been longer than I could have ever imagined.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

nothing feels as old

As I did last night. I sat on my bedroom floor drinking wine, eating fake buffalo wings and then drinking beer. When you meet someone who hasn't heard all of your stories, who wasn't there for all the heartbreak and happiness, who doesn't have all of the same friends, and spent their formative years in different parks/garages/clubs/driveways/backseats you get to learn more about yourself. Recounting losing your virginity is different when it is almost 10 years removed. Replaying soundtracks to your evenings leaves you with songs that don't carry the weight they used to. Trying to explain inside jokes, or why you can't get high, or name sections of deserts that are now empty shopping centers, or which girl it was that you last referred to as a girl, before you started dealing with women, really add the pages to the calender that had snuck on unnoticed up to this point. But being so far removed from these things and realizing that you don't have to defend those decisions anymore, that makes the transitions easy to take. It was a great night on my bedroom floor, like one I hadn't spent in almost a decade.

Friday, April 04, 2008


I painted this last night. I was supposed to be folding burritos, but it was slow, so they sent me home. Definitely ok with that.

Bill, myself, and some other people are going to make suicide mixes. The idea is that these are the songs you would listen to before you killed yourself, they would be your suicide note.

I'm going get started on that and wait for a plane from New York to show up. Consider me excited on all fronts.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

the times we do, the times we don't

I got a digital camera for Christmas in 2005. I have taken a lot of pictures on it. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 4000. That is at least what I have saved. There are pictures from 3 going away parties, a last night in town, 6 or 7 different states, costume parties, birthdays, nights at bars, beaches, mountains, airports, trains, buses, friends, girlfriends, ex-friends, people I never see anymore, kitchens, living rooms, bedrooms, garages, yards, patios, apartments, houses, a pool, and my own blood.

I had a box, probably 14x20, full of pictures taken with traditional cameras. 35mm, 110 mm, disposable, polaroid. Sometime before I got the digital camera I threw all of those pictures away. I don't miss them, those times didn't seem familiar. I didn't long for them, I am happy they are gone. In terms of the pictures I own, I didn't exist before 2005.

It is a strange feeling, feeling like you didn't exist, when you know you did.

That might be why I take a lot of pictures now. I often forget to take pictures when something momentous is happening. The everyday stuff, I'm there for. And those pictures turn out better anyways.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

A harmonica in my lungs

There is a song playing right now, that is barely longer than 2 minutes and quiet enough to play in the most somber of places. It has a harmonica in it. And that harmonica echoes out of my lungs and heart and other organs.

Today (technically yesterday, I haven't gone to bed yet, so it is the same day) I walked around the desert next to my house. The same desert from these posts. I went wood gathering. I didn't have any exact ideas for the type of wood I wanted, I just knew I needed enough to make a flower. I have the day off from burrito manufacturing, so I figured I could do something nice for someone, make some art, and start regaining some of those hands on skills we seem to be using. (I didn't notice we were loosing are ability to work with our hands, but Bill brought it up, and he is a smart guy, and he is right. He is going to learn how to weld, count me excited.) After my gathering I went to the hardware store for nails and spray paint. Then I took pizza to Whit. Awww, lunch date. After borrowing a saw from him I went to work. Here are the before, in process and after. Crystal might be mad at me for spray painting the grass. She might not.

Monday, March 31, 2008

nervous energy and the music that doesn't help

And in a new northside home / I can spend a night alone / Not thinking of who I would leave / If the bottle got the best of me. - I Am Not Who I Used to Be by The Gunshy

I am a ball of energy. I work in less than 2 hours. I already rode my bike to lunch and back. I already played guitar for about an hour. So much energy.

Long drive home / Shoes on the staircase / You play new songs / Come recommended from / A guy you know / But you don't mention his name. - Channeling th Boss by Deepshit, Arkansas

I am having anxiety today, a little at least. I am nervous. Not a worried nervous, just nervous. I guess that makes it anxious.

Could we be saved by inventions and hopes? / Cause I'm not all right. / The night seems to swallow me whole and spits out / second guessing. - Young Loud and Scotty by Lifetime

I haven't been feeling 25 lately. More like 15. 10 years off the mind, body and heart. I don't dread waking up. I don't hate going to work. I don't have never ending thoughts of impending doom. I am enjoying every second spent with my roommates and my friends. Every song I listen to or sing along to feels better than the song before. I'm feeling things and saying things I haven't in years. I had no idea being back in California would work out so well for me.

I always wanted / Your affections / Now I don't know what to do with them / You say you crave / My attention / But I'm Tired and I won't be dragged back in. - Dragged Back In by The Weight

I'm going to take a bath.

monday morning, 1:46 am

I'm listening to old mixes, looking at old photos. thinking old thoughts, waiting for phone calls that I didn't even know I was waiting for. I may sound sad, but I am really happy. I'm just putting x's on calendars for the next 5 days. It feels right to say it, life is good.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Minus the dancing - Video Day

My life is just like this video. Minus the dancing. And the pregnant girlfriend. And the fire escape. And Rod Stewart. But other than that, exactly the same.

"Young hearts be free tonight, time is on your side"

Fuckin' A, Rod Stewart, Fuckin' A.

I was thinking about that, the young hearts part. And I'm pretty sure he meant young as in age, especially with the running away and parties and all of that. But I prefer him to mean young as freshly in love. When it first starts to happen, when you wake up for the first time thinking about them, when you call them for the first time just to hear them talk, or when you make plans to do nothing but bask in their presence, you are young. You act irrational, like a teenager. You save their text messages/emails/voice mails and go over them over and over again. You think of the tiniest ways to make them smile, or make their day that much better. It is such a great feeling. Until it fades.

But I'm thinking it doesn't have to fade, right?

Young hearts be free tonight, time is on your side indeed.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Even if the sky must fall

I'm still recovering from my last 24 hours. 2 hours of sleep after a very large beer and champagne before I drove to the airport at 3:30 in the morning then some more sleep. It was a day of listening to songs written by my friends, singing along to others, and writing my own. I wrote a song today that I am very proud of and is the most honest thing I have ever created. I was supposed to go watch basketball with Whit, but I ate dinner with my roommate Crystal and had an evening of great conversation. Bill got home and he got to hear the song and he showed me a video interview with this guy Jeffery Brown. Bill went to bed and I stayed up and read two of his books. I'm putting off going to bed because I'm not looking forward to doing it alone. I guess some nights have to be this way so you appreciate the others. Goodnight.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

12 hours ago...

I was at LAX. I was dropping of friends for a trip to New York City. I was driving one of their cars and I thought about parking it and buying a ticket to somewhere. I love flying. A little part of me hurt, literal pain in my stomach, from being so close to security and ticket agents and 5 dollar pints and baggage claim and not participating. My bank account got the best of me. Time to plan another trip!

In Between Days - mix

This post is late. By more than a week. At least its not my period. ;)

On March 19th, 2000 a war ended. It was a Sunday. I had spent St. Patrick's Day weekend in Ventura at a Holiday Inn. I was celebrating a friend's birthday with a future ex-best friend, a future ex-girlfriend, a future bride and her mother. I don't remember anything else about that trip. What we did, where we ate, or if I slept good. When I got home on Sunday I got the phone call. My mom wasn't home, and she was never coming back. There were tears, and I understood and I didn't want to.

On March 19th, 2003 (give or take some hours) a war started. It was a Wednesday. I had spent St. Patrick's Day in my converted boat house room drinking Black and Tans. I was celebrating drinking on a Monday with a future ex-coworker, a future ex-girlfriend, a future ex-friend, and his broken chair. I don't remember anything else about that night. While I was at work I on Wednesday I saw the news on the TV. I put it on the radio in my department at Best Buy. I heard the sounds of rockets and explosions and talking heads while I sorted car stereos. When I got home I tossed and turned all night with the sound of analysts and missiles and the green hue of night vision on my television. This time there were no tears, and I understood, but I didn't want to.

So to celebrate, no remember, the intersecting of my personal and non-personal lives on the same day 3 years apart I made this mix. It's about love and hate, war and peace, me and myself.

Inbetween - - mix
When It Rains - Paramore
Ashtray Monument - Jawbreaker
Lullaby For The Taken - Kimya Dawson
The Weight of Guilt - Lucero
Good Fucking Bye - Matt Skiba
This Year - The Mountain Goats
Black Masks & Gasoline - Rise Against
By The Throat - Dead To Me
To Lanterns, Denver, and One Last Lament - Defiance, Ohio
Playing Dumb - The Good Life

Editors Note - I had thought that the phone call came on St Patrick's Day, but in going over calenders I see that it actually happened on the 19th. That is why the mix is called in between days, because the post was supposed to be on the 18th. I hope that helps any confusion.

Monday, March 24, 2008

a resurrection of sorts

I drove on a freeway over hills I've traveled many times before, mostly a passenger. The car had driven me small distances around town, to an airport once, and once home from one. The sun dropped over the mountains and at moments split the space between the visor and the car in front of me. It was blinding, but for only seconds. A song on the stereo full of f.m. static I've heard and danced to before sounds different. The passenger let trails of smoke from her cigarette sweep out of the rolled down window. The thought, then the smile on her face, her legs crossed in an easter dress, the very yellow rays of a sunset everywhere. My arms, half covered, tried to steady the steering wheel and take this all in. Somewhere someone is thinking of their savior rising from a grave. Me, I'm taking a picture and hoping to escape my own.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

How to...


From top to bottom:

  • Get tiny chocolate bottle of booze
  • Turn upside down and peel off half of the wrapper
  • Bite the ass off
  • Spit ass into box/bag/cup (not pictured)
  • Drink!
  • Throw empty chocolate bottle into box/bag/cup
  • Repeat (not pictured)
Crystal (Bill's girlfriend and one of the roommates. Editor's note: It wasn't them watching basketball, it was my other roommate Bobb and his lady, sorry for any confusion.) had a box with WAY too many of these under her bed that she forgot to pass out at Christmas, so she put them on the coffee table for all of us (read: me.) to enjoy. Tim came over a night or two later and we "ate" almost 2/3rds of the box. The trick to doing this is to not eat ANY chocolate. It will inhibit your buzz getting ability and make your belly not happy. Plus, if you are like Tim and I, you are drinking beer too, and chocolate doesn't really go well with beer. We've put them in coffee and tried to eat the whole thing, and honestly, this is best way. Some come Christmas next year keep you eyes out for a box full of chocolate bottles of booze, and if you go halves on the plane ticket I'll come give you the demonstration in person. Sorry, I'm never taking a bus anywhere again ;)

Saturday, March 15, 2008

a post intended to create more post-funeral threesome opportunities

OK, not really. Well, maybe. I don't know.

Tomorrow will be two weeks unemployed. That is no problem. I have things that might lead to work, or they might not. I'm thinking food stamps maybe. That would be good.

I'm cooking a lot lately. Doing things I've never done before. Sauteeing mushrooms, pizza from almost scratch with potatoes on it, and some interesting takes on burritos.

I've also been writing.

And riding my bike.

And rediscovering the joys found in other people.

And listening to great records.

And listening through the wall to see if my roommate is breaking up with his girlfriend and she is crying or if they are just watching basketball.

And shaving off my beard for a funny moustache.

And trying to live like I've always wanted to.

California has been very good to me. Thank you.

Tomorrow, a how to post, via either video, slide show or powerpoint.

I do have one regret.

I'm not having or going to an Ides of March party.

Next year I promise.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

a partial list of things set on fire in my backyard on 3/10/2008

  • chair
  • cd's
  • a 7inch record
  • speaker wire
  • bottles
  • cans (clap your hands)
  • underwear
  • booze
  • traffic sign
  • random wood

Monday, March 10, 2008

well there's poor then there's poor

That's the opening line from a song my friend Dan wrote today. He recorded it and sent it to me. It is very good. When there is a proper version of it I'll pass it along.

Yesterday I learned something about my friends when I was trying to be told something else about them. Another person, my dad, was trying to get me to join the military. And he was saying I've wasted the past 8 or so years of my life. And that my friends don't care about me. I threw rocks across the street at a real estate sign that I couldn't hit. I drank box wine from a red solo cup and tried not to cry when trying to defend my actions/feelings/loves up to that exact moment. But I didn't do any actual defending. I sort of caved, and agreed that maybe things could be better, or at least different.

Bill came home. Crystal came home. Juliana and Bobb came home. Bert came over. Stephanie came over. We shared drinks and stories of the disconnect between us and our parents. How I am spoiled that my mother shows general interest in the things I do, the songs I sing, the pictures I take, and the things I write, and that none of our other parents understand what we are doing. They were all married, with kids, and careers by this point in their lives. Some were on their second marriage already. They don't see the point in working jobs we hate to have enough money for rent in a house with our best friends and buy 24 packs of beer on a sunday night. They don't see the point in anything we do. And that is ok. They still all love us, and they still wants nothing but the best for us, but their best and our best are different. I can tell you that we all care about each other, and we all include each other in most of our plans and decision making.

And I learned something about myself.

I can find something to be passionate about. I think I found it. And I learned that I can tell someone something and not need their approval, or a response. I can say something so that I know it has been said, and that is all that matters.

I'm learning to apply my diy/punk rock ethics to other areas of my life. It makes me smile.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

this first week - video sunday

The Good Life - Heartbroke

The title of the song does not relate to my life right now. That is nice.

My first week back in California has been good. I've been on a couple of bike rides. I'm still walking places and driving the least amount possible. I've got to see a bunch of people I have really wanted to see. I'm playing music, writing songs and writing in general. I've taken a bath. I'm about to take another one. I am happy to not be in Chicago, I am happy to not be in the army, I am happy to not be sad. Yesterday I did have a spot, a little rough patch, and that is where that blog came from. But between the sunlight, the sound of activity in the house, the conversation of friends, the records spinning in the other room, the planning of days and nights to come, well, I am better. I don't have a job, and the shrinking money makes that a worry. But it's not too bad of a worry. I think that everything should happen very fast. I should be working already. It has only been a week. It will be ok. Everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to. And with that I will take a bath and go for a walk. Enjoy your Sunday, and if you can, hug your mother.

p.s. about the jet blue flight. besides the two next to me, there were only two other empty seats. and the kid didn't throw up till almost the end of the flight, I had been up for more than 24 hours, and I am against rewarding someone for not enjoying turbulence ;)

Saturday, March 08, 2008

the changing faces of days

I'm spending a day filled with listening to records, drinking beers, talking with friends and dreaming of other coasts. I'm turning worries over and over in my head that are new, but nothing different. I am no longer cold, I am actually a little sunburned. I am surrounded with the friends that I was missing intensely. I can see the sun setting through the window, the wind is blowing the last old leaves and a couple new ones towards the house. I have these feelings about all of this, and a lot of things that I haven't spoken about. And it all comes down to this.

Today used to mean something. It had significance. It still does, to some, and a little to me, but it is not the same, for the first time. And it is strange.

So here's to all the pisces I know, at home or abroad, born today or any other. May you never know the melancholy sitting in the pit of my stomach. Take care of yourself. It is hard.

Friday, March 07, 2008

a warm welcome back to california

I flew jetblue back to california. I had a whole row to myself. I watch espn on one tv, the google map of the plane on another tv, and listened to xm radio 80's alternative hits on the third tv. I slept sprawled across three seats, which resulted in me getting dirty looks from the older woman across the aisle from the seat my feet occupied. She was next to a mother and her son. When I woke up we had just entered california, and as we crossed over some mountains by riverside the plane bounced and shook and dropped with turbulence. It made the kid throw up. It didn't make my heart feel as good as normal, but it still made me feel good to be home. Here are some pictures of the things I've been doing the last few days. Now I'm going to ride my bike to whit's. (bike ride with bill, drinking at a desert preserve, pina colada's, veggie pot pie)

Sunday, March 02, 2008


someone is waiting for me to come home. someone is waiting for me to leave.
someone is waiting for me to write another song. someone is waiting for me to never write again.
someone is waiting for me to calm down. someone is waiting for me to not stop.
someone is hoping this isn't the same as all the other times before. someone is thinking they know better.


I'm just waiting for the train.

Friday, February 29, 2008

5:30, millions of things to say, but how?

i participated in a small celebration for someone born on leap day. They are 24 years old. They are also six, technically. In the course of the evening I was quoted poetry, given free drinks, and harassed for my life decisions. To say to someone that you will regret a choice you made in 5 years is easy. Life changes dramatically in 5 years. But to be attacked (barely) for deciding to do something about the happiness in your life? Whatever. Live and let learn. Live and let die. The list of things that other people think I will regret in five years (or in some cases less) is a very long list. Add your entry. Thank you for your input. Your opinion will be considered. I don't want to say it, let alone think it, but that same list you are carrying around in your pocket probably makes it hard to walk upright, maybe? At least at times I try, even if I have a tendency to fail.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

the noise

Its 1 in the morning. Every night the same strange tapping noise comes from the apartment above and to the left.

It excites and interests me.

Monday, February 25, 2008

the trinty of blog posts. -mix, update, video day

Three things in one day. Pretty exciting.

When I was moving out here to Chicago a friend from high school said all road trips should have The Weight by The Band as part of the soundtrack. So as I embark on another path in life, I figure I'll start it out with that. My time in Chicago has come to an end. Come sunday around 11 am I will be a California resident. I am moving back into my old room. I don't have a job. I don't have a car. I don't have a bike. These things will work themselves out when I get there.

I could probably explain why I am going back, but I also can't. It is pretty much everything. I'll get in to specifics, but till then I have this mix. It might help explain. I fly on sunday, keep your fingers crossed for turbulence.

some things in my head - mix -
Last Songs - The Gunshy
Attention All Pickpockets - the Mountain Goats
3am Qvc Shopping Spree Hangover - The Lawrence Arms
Francie Nolan - Lifetime
Tire Swing - Kimya Dawson
Get Big - Okkervil River
The Black And The Red - One Reason
Keep The Car Running - Arcade Fire
One More Time - Joe Jackson
People II: The Reckoning - Andrew Jackson Jihad
Bring on the Dancing Horses - Echo & the Bunnymen
Wherefore Art Thou, Elvis? - The Gaslight Anthem
P.S. New York Is Burning - Jawbreaker

Saturday, February 23, 2008

sorry its been so quiet around here

it will liven up soon, i promise.

on a side note, i forgot to go to the bathroom before I got on the train, and it took a long time, so i had to piss in an alley, and i sort of didnt get there in time.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

things come out of the woodwork

I was browsing through the archives, seeing how I felt about things a few months ago, seeing if I feel different. This was in the comments from Henri -

The wickedness of youth is the nagging suspicion that your invulnerability might only be bravado.

Monday, February 18, 2008

so, i like baths

I have taken to taking baths. I have had more baths in the month of February than I have since I turned 21. That is 3, if you are counting. I like baths a lot. I relax, I think, I sweat, sometimes I get a little teary and cry some. Writing this makes me want to take a bath, even though I just got out of one.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

virginia is for video day

see how I did that?

I was thinking about what to post today, and it was headed in the same sort of sad, self evaluating tone as most of my recent posts. Then I thought, "Hey, everyone knows this stuff already, why don't you do a video day post?" So that is what today is. Video day, with a theme. These are some of my favorite bands, and they all have something in common with imperceptibility, VIRGINIA!

So watch these videos, enjoy your sunday, keep your fingers crossed I don't have some sort of exciting nervous breakdown before we speak again, and if you happen to be in the Evanston, Il area between 3:30 and 10 tonight, come to Chili's, I'll make you a drink.

Tim Barry - Lombardy St (One of my favorite AVAIL songs, so two birds, one video)

Smoke or Fire - The Patty Hearst Syndrome

Strike Anywhere - Instinct

The Riot Before - Take That, The Government (I saw this exact performance in Florida at noonish on a saturday. I was drinking a tall can of PBR. It was nice.)

The Riot Before - live at the Fest 6 from Chris Moran on Vimeo.

And a bonus scene from High Fidelity that keeps playing over and over again in my head for reasons unknown.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

the recurring joke that is probably much more serious

I like to say that I am really seven years old. Actually, I think it is funny. That even though I can hold down a job or have a girlfriend or a checking account or drive a car or drink beer or stay out late, I am actually only developmentally seven years old. Pee and Poop jokes are still the best. I like running around whatever house/apartment I am occupying naked. Completely inconsequential things. Except for this feeling I experienced this morning.

I'm really selfish. I'm going to take my ball home and then no one can play selfish. I get upset when people move on with their lives without me. I think I should be massively more important to people than I am or deserve to be. Even the people who I am very important to, its not enough. I can completely abandon friends that I have had for 1,5,10,15, even 20 years, and they should still hang on my every word, thought and emotion.

I am an asshole. A son-of-a-bitch. A piece of shit even. I have very little consideration for other peoples feelings. I showed that by the way I handled moving out to Chicago, and the way I have handled myself since I got here.

I am thankful everyday that my friends and family put up with me. I don't know if I could, or even want to.

I really don't know why I expect people to wait around for me. I always thought, hell, I was sort of raised, that if you wait around you'll get left behind. More and more these days I wouldn't mind getting left behind.

Friday, February 15, 2008

things get better

Happy Zane's Birthday to everyone, or late Valentine's day if you prefer. Valentines Day was very good for me.

I wrote.

For the first time in a long goddamn time I wrote.

It felt very good. More to come today!

snowy cold hugs for everyone.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

200 - mix

I love that numbers like this get us all sentimental. This is my 200th post on this blog. In high school I had a crude diary on a free server that I had to code everyday and upload. Then I had a couple other blogs and misc things. This one was started less than a month before I moved from Lancaster to Sacramento. It survived the move there and back. I think for the most part I did too. It stayed with me through the pretty consistent chaos that has been the last year. Everything on here is wordy, except when it's not. It's sad, except when its happy. It's boozy, actually, pretty much always. One of my favorite things about blogging (besides the invitations to orgies at my own funeral) is putting together a mix for an occasion, sorting it, uploading it, and sharing it. If there is any occasion, this is one, so I put 13 songs that are just killing me softly (and sometimes not so soft). There are some older stuff, some newer stuff, and some surprising stuff, maybe. It's about this blog, the stuff I've written about, the stuff I didn't write about, and the people who still check this out. Brew some coffee, put some booze in it, browse through some of the older posts, before I knew what labels were, and enjoy. I'm actually listening to this mix as I type this, and it's pretty fucking good. Have a good chinese new year, even though I'm a few days late.

200 -

Joining The Army - Lucero
Our Life Is Not A Movie Or Maybe - Okkervil River
I'm Sorry for Saying I'm Sorry - The Arrivals
Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley
Personal Slump - The Weight
The Wright Wrong - The Wunder Years
Red Alibi - Sparta
Never Get To Know - Paul Baribeau
God Deciding - Hot Water Music
The Condition - Defiance, Ohio
Song for Dennis Brown - The Mountain Goats
That's What You Get - Paramore
Hot Knives - Bright Eyes

Friday, February 08, 2008


I am existential crisis. I sit in a leather chair at a bookstore and talk with my mother. I want to make sure she is sober. I want to make sure she is ok. I just talk about myself instead. I tell her what I'm thinking, almost. SO i say goodbye and I walk down the street. The sun is down. It is cold. Cars drive past and their headlights bloom. It might be tears. It might be my eyes quiting on me. Strangers and their children look at me. They know. They can see it. I got rid of most of my stuff. I left some of it in the care of others. I took plains and buses to get 2,011 miles away, the long way. And what do I do? I still ask if you would like a PRESIDENTE margarita. I don't play guitar. I play it less, which I didn't think was possible. I don't write. I barely even think. Except for tonight. This light won't change. I don't change either. I have to cross the street. I have to make money. I have to pay rent. I have to be an adult. I am existential crisis. I can't change my mind. I can't give up. I cant retreat. I can't deem the whole experiment a failure. I can't try a different trajectory. I can't try a different location. I can second guess. And I do. And I will, no matter what happens. I'm standing on a corner waiting for a light to change, but I'm also riding in a car in the dark of the desert with a song playing, and I'm sitting in the back of a van on a nameless highway, and I'm looking out the window of an suv at some homes I'll never own and wondering why people kill and thinking I could never feel that way. Till I do. I am existential crisis. It shows on my face. My tables and coworkers think I'm tired. They ask if I'm sad. They ask if I'm drunk. They ask if I'm hungover. And I am. But not the way they get hung over. I forget to ask people how they want there meat cooked. Instead I standing on a balcony in the hills or lying naked in a car or screaming with all my heart or being screamed at. 365 days ago. I am a year older, a year of difference. But it feels like I just read a book about it. I get an extra day this year. I'll fuck it up like the rest. Not the rest of the world, but the rest of my days. I am existential crisis.

i am very excited for this part two

Here is the mix of the meme I promised.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

i am very excited for this

My computer is working. Swimmingly. Bill and Crystal just spent a week here, and I was black-out drunk 6 of 7 nights. It was good times indeed. (They are actually still here, their flight got cancelled after 6 hours of delays, so they are staying by the airport, I think.)

The first official duty of blogging will be to do the future music meme from Imperceptibility.
Rules are simple. Be honest and use shuffle. I will be doing this "live", so here we go! (I'll be making a playlist to upload to, because thats how it should be)

Q: What does next year have in store for you?
This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody) - Talking Heads

Q: What does your love life look like next year?
Candy Cane - The Loved Ones

Q: What do you say when life gets hard?
Lonely Girls - Lucinda Williams

Q: Song that reminds you of good times?
Cattle and Cane - The Go-Betweens

Q: What do you think when you get up in the morning?
Confession - Drag the River

Q: What song will you dance to at your wedding?
#1 Defender - New End Original

Q: Song that reminds you of your first kiss?
Prove My Love - the Violent Femmes

Q: Your favorite saying?
Restless - The Broadways

Q: Favorite place?
Mosh For Jesus - Dillinger Four

Q: Most Missed Memory?
Suburban Myth - Less than Jake

Q: What song describes your best friend?
Overtime - Lucinda Williams

Q: What song describes your ex?
Truth - Drag the River

Q: Where would you go on a first date?
Mole - The Mountain Goats

Q: Drug of choice?
Blue Valentines - Tom Waits

Q: What song describes yourself?
Flashing Lights - Kanye West

Q: What is the thing you like doing most?
Cupid's Choke Hold - Gym Class Heroes

Q: The song that best describes the president?
Bloody Resolutions - Crass

Q: Where will you be in 10 years?
On the Picket Fence - The Good Life

Q: Your love life right now?
Three Summers Strong - Hot Water Music

Q: What is your state of mind like at the moment?
Clueless - Pinhead Circus

Q: How will you die?

How Low - Against Me!

I like the way that turned out! I had fun reactions to some of the songs, you know, the ones you forget are on your computer. The lyrics for some are better than the titles, and it flows nice musically. I'm going to make breakfast burritos while I get this uploaded.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

something to think about

I know it is a little early. I was standing at a show with a series of strange and exiting and sad and hopefully feelings flying around my brain. It all stopped for a second, and the title of these "last words" popped into my head.

Football Season is Over. - Hunter S. Thompson
No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun -- for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax -- This won't hurt.

Have a good day.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I know what it is like to be breasts

I'm riding back home on the train last night at about 1 in the morning. A man with a chiefs (the hockey team from slap shot) championship sweatshirt and cornrows got up to get off of the train and then sat down in a seat perpendicular to Allison and myself. As usual, I was avoiding making eye contact. It appears all eye contact brings you on public transportation is a question for money or an invitation to a fight. While avoiding the gentleman's eyes I notice his hand. It is in his lap, between his legs. It is pinching his dick. And rubbing it. And squeezing his balls.

He is looking at me and has a smile on his face.

It was top 5 funniest things to ever happen to me. This goes on for about 2 more stops before we get off (maybe him too! HUZZAH!). I had to bite my lip from bursting out in laughter the whole time. It was seriously hilarious. I haven't had to hold back laughter that hard since my junior year in high school.

I had a friend Nick Lee. Since we went to a christian school we were supposed to go to church once a week. You actually had to sign a paper saying you went to church that week. You were allotted so many missed church days a year, so, you know, if you are on vacation you don't have to track down a church. At one point during our junior year we decided to go to a different church every Sunday. We'd hit them all, and we were going to start with Christian Scientists. About 20 minutes into the service(?) there is a sound similar to a little kid saying BAH! really loud. Both Nick and I start to chuckle and then start holding it in. It is quiet. We look at each other and little spits of laughter keep coming out. I am almost crying. I went out side and laughed my ass off and collected myself. I came back in, and as soon as I sat down it happened again. We ran out of there and never looked backed, laughing all the way to Am/Pm.

I digress.

I was the proud fantasy of another man last night on the train. What a perfect ending to a great day.

Monday, January 28, 2008

the things i did today

Today was a good day for me. I ordered a new hard drive and an enclosure for my old one. Why? Well, simply, it's fucked. It's had some awesome errors since I've moved here and the registry got deleted and its just a mess. I have a back up of it, but it's about 2 years old, so I would loose all sorts of pictures, music, videos and address. You know, the important stuff. I have always had random problems with it so hopefully this will help sort that out. Then I went on a walk. This is my route. I didn't plan on walking so far, I just wanted to eat some place different. I also talked to my mom on the phone, and I decided to grow my hair. That will last till I suddenly change my mind and chop it off. I got a new sweater today. Everyone should have a sweater, especially one that says OP on it. I took pictures of a church by the apartment. And I took the above picture of the cemetery that I walked past. I'm now going to go buy some beer and take it to a thai/japanese restaurant that I am very excited about trying. I might sneak some pictures, we'll see. Then it's off to the empty bottle for some music. A good monday.

Imperceptibility has a really good meme that I want to do, but I can't till I get my computer fixed. Go look at hers. It is good. She also cares if I am alive, which is nice!

Have a beer tonight, you know I will.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

computer. pictures. blog.

I FINALLY have my computer working, after much toil. To celebrate I uploaded every picture I have taken since after thanksgiving. Awesome. The blog will get a reach around tomorrow!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

the outside is creeping inside

It's 6 degrees outside. Apparently it feels like -12. I want to be Dana Jacobsen.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

the days seem short in chicago

I've been an official rent paying resident of Chicago for 17 days. I have had a job for 10. I have lived in 2 apartments. Confused?

I moved out of my apartment today. Matt helped me out. He is awesome. Here is the rundown of the last 48 hours.

Bill sent me my computer. I had it shipped to Allison's apartment because it seems a much safer package delivery spot than my apartment. So I carried my box on two trains to my apartment. It took 60 minutes. I don't have a monitor yet, so at my apartment I took the old roommates and hooked it up to my computer. See, the guy I replaced moved from my room to the living room, where he is sleeping and storing his stuff. Rent Free. Anyways. I have the computer running and I am super excited about uploading pictures and blogging and listening to music and all of that when I can't connect to the Internet. After adjusting settings I get a comcast page. It says to set up the account. But the account is already set up I thought. So I search through out the apartment to find a bill. I did find a bill. It was just shy of 100 bucks. It hadn't been paid since before I moved in. The reason I couldn't connect to the Internet was because there was no Internet. They turned it off on Monday.

I also found the gas bill. It is nearly 300 bucks, very much behind and on the verge of getting shut off.

So I talked to Allison and I am staying at her apartment. I didn't feel like living in Chicago in January and February with no gas. And god knows what state of unrest the electric bill is.

One of my now former roommates is in Europe for a school trip. The other called me after the couch guest told her about my stuff being gone. I was still in transit to the new apartment, I hadn't had a chance to call her. She is upset, but not about me not living there, or about the late bills, even if she know about them, but about having to find a new roommate. There is no lease, no deposit, no give us 30 days agreement before moving out. I would have gladly giving them 30 days, but I assumed I would be moving into an apartment with the things advertised and not in danger of loosing vital utilities. I'm not asking for any money back, but I'm not going to give anymore.

It's been snowing most of the day. It is nice. I really like Chicago. I have to get ready for work.

Monday, January 14, 2008

snow on the train

I got of work today and it was snowing. It was nice. It is fun to see snow fall, because it seems not to land, like it is having too much fun floating around and attacking my eyeballs that it doesn't want to end up on the shitty ground to get trampled on and ruined. I understand how it feels.

My beautiful ex-roommates shipped my computer to me and it showed up today. Once I track down a cheap monitor things should get intense over here.

Ok, maybe not intense, but more frequent.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

a shitty day gets better

Yesterday I woke up and went to a job interview. It is to bartend at a gay sports bar. I figure guys always try to impress ladies with the tips they give them, so why not take advantage of it. SO at the interview they told me they didn't like my (literal) beard and that I would have to shave it off. Also through out the whole thing they talked down to me like I was 14 and have never been inside a bar before. I had felt good about the whole thing going into it, but this just made me feel like shit. It piled on the shrinking bank account and random pains of loneliness and made the day start to feel long and shitty. So what did I do?

I got a job at Pepper's.

Yup, I'm back slanging margaritas and hopefully corndogs for the man. I'm not excited, but my wallet and bank account are, and that will make my belly happy when I fill it with Old Style and tater tots. (Apparently tater tots are a hot bar food out here, I haven't partaken yet, but I'm excited to.) The up side to the whole thing is I don't have to learn anything new, I'll start bartending instead of having to work my way up at another restaurant. And it is a franchise, and Whit used to fascinate me with tales weaved of a glorious Pepper's in the northwest that was a franchise and pretty much kicked ass. So hopefully that's how it is here. I didn't hate the Pepper's in Sacramento, so I could like this one.

Then the day got better.

I hung out at a dance club with a guy who was a rep for BUSHMILLS, so I drank a bunch of it for free then I ate the largest slice of pizza ever. IT WAS HUGE!

And on the train ride home, my car was the happiest place on earth. There was a girl getting escorted most of the way home by a date/stranger. As soon as he got up another guy sat next to her and tried to pick her up. Two sisters sat next to each other and tried to crush the other one and laughed loud and hard. 4 guys argued about sports and tried to get a sing along started. A girl with afropuffs and he super tall company smiled and talked something very interesting I only caught glimpses of. And I sat there, drunk, being embraced by my new home. A nice hug it was.