Saturday, February 16, 2008

the recurring joke that is probably much more serious

I like to say that I am really seven years old. Actually, I think it is funny. That even though I can hold down a job or have a girlfriend or a checking account or drive a car or drink beer or stay out late, I am actually only developmentally seven years old. Pee and Poop jokes are still the best. I like running around whatever house/apartment I am occupying naked. Completely inconsequential things. Except for this feeling I experienced this morning.

I'm really selfish. I'm going to take my ball home and then no one can play selfish. I get upset when people move on with their lives without me. I think I should be massively more important to people than I am or deserve to be. Even the people who I am very important to, its not enough. I can completely abandon friends that I have had for 1,5,10,15, even 20 years, and they should still hang on my every word, thought and emotion.

I am an asshole. A son-of-a-bitch. A piece of shit even. I have very little consideration for other peoples feelings. I showed that by the way I handled moving out to Chicago, and the way I have handled myself since I got here.

I am thankful everyday that my friends and family put up with me. I don't know if I could, or even want to.

I really don't know why I expect people to wait around for me. I always thought, hell, I was sort of raised, that if you wait around you'll get left behind. More and more these days I wouldn't mind getting left behind.


the blower's daughter said...

I think in some way, we all feel like that or at least have.

Wow. Thinking about it... I suck. I think people should hang on my every word, too.

Time for a beer.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, are you an only child? I can't remember.

Perhaps I didn't hang on your every word enough.

I'm sure your friends understand if you're not around for awhile. We're all different. If people enjoy your good sides they should be prepared to give you some space for your bad sides, I say.

ImPerceptible said...

You're trying to get A. and I naked again. Aren't you?

Anonymous said...

Being selfish is an act of self preservation. People aren't moving on without you. They are trying to live their lives as best they can figure out. So are you. And most of us are sons-of-bitches sometimes. But there's hope for us. Smile a little.