Wednesday, February 01, 2006

no looking back at sinking ships


its one o clock in the morning. i am relatively drunk. i am trying to convince my self that i should go to school tomorrow. i do this every other day(minus weekends). i know that i am "up here" to finish school, and to part of me that makes sense. but i can't help and think about why it is that i go to school. i think that i have it figured out, at least in terms of for me, personally, to 3 different reasons, in specific order. 1 for my parents. 2. to make money. 3. for the knowledge. i know, i know, its bullshit and its wrong, but it is definately true. i hear from my parents (one side more than the other) that i need to do this, i need to get a degree, blah blah blah. and i guess the following question sums up all my fears and doubts and everything else. am i only doing this so that i outwardly seem successful? that when the time comes, when the questions arises, i am not out in the cold, degree-less, looking in on the garden party of people more distinguished than me? a part of me says "oh anthony, you're just lazy, and you are using whatever political/philisophical beliefs to justify your laziness." and another part of me says "no, you're being honest to yourself. you're just trying to figure out what is right". and i guess that is what everything has come down to. i think of people that i admire, smart people, people i actually know, that i call my friends, and some have degrees, like bill, and others have shrugged off schooling for whatever reason, like dan. i think of people who love their jobs, like me, and people that i am pretty sure fucking hate them, like josh mann. and i wonder to myself. am i just going to end up in a career that i hate, because i invested the time and money into it, or am i going to get a degree and work in a restaurant, head and sholders above my coworkers, like whit? it just seems like such a shame/waste/betrayal, that the three days a week i spend four hours in a class room when i would rather be anywhere but there. and when i am not there, i still dont want to be there. i would rather read books i want to read, watch documentaries i want to watch, see things i want to see, live how i want to live. but instead i wake up early and go, hating every minute of it. i know my desires and goals and terms of success are different than the average 23yearold, i just wish i could figure out how to keep myself from feeling that i need to please everyone.

3 comments:

billpinkel said...

The federal government is about to cut 40 billion from the budget ( Irag is getting another 80 B's or so) as a result student loan rates are going to be going up, fuck. Dude just join my eleventh grade english class you'll be my star pupil. Or we could just become hobos...Up to you.

Whit said...

I don't think the feeling that you need to please everyone will ever go away. That's just human nature. Even the most aloof must still feel that desire at some point.
As far as why people go to school, I can only give you my story (don't worry- the short version). I wasn't pressured by my parents that much- sure they wanted me to succeed, and for most parents that equates to a degree, but they weren't pushy (at least the first 4 or 5 years!).
I hung out with a pretty mixed bag of nuts. Some were degree holders and making decent cash and doing cool stuff, while others, those without degrees were dreaming dreams and eating Spam. This was quite the crossroad for me as I am much more of the dreamer than the scholar.
That isn't to say that I didn't have people around that were living the life they wanted without degrees or others that had loads of schooling without any happiness.
One only has to look at the Einsteins, Gates and Jobs of the world to see how far you can go without that piece of paper. Of course they all had/have the one thing I have always lacked- determination.
That is why I finally changed my degree to something I enjoyed doing, so that I was more inclined to attend class and not just enroll in college to meet girls, get student basketball tickets, and put off loan payments.
Plus, you can do a lot with a degree in underwater basket-weaving.
Now, as you pointed out, I work in a restaurant and I apparently have dandruff. Is it lame? Kind of. Do I regret it? No.
If nothing else it reminds me that I can accomplish something if I put my mind to it.
What is funny is the similarities between college and the restaurant business. Both have introduced me to people and ideas that many tend to gloss over or remain ignorant of. Basically, knowledge is everywhere and it is what you make it.
Go Wildcats.

Whit said...

man, I sure sound like a pompous ass. that's awesome.