5:30, millions of things to say, but how?

i participated in a small celebration for someone born on leap day. They are 24 years old. They are also six, technically. In the course of the evening I was quoted poetry, given free drinks, and harassed for my life decisions. To say to someone that you will regret a choice you made in 5 years is easy. Life changes dramatically in 5 years. But to be attacked (barely) for deciding to do something about the happiness in your life? Whatever. Live and let learn. Live and let die. The list of things that other people think I will regret in five years (or in some cases less) is a very long list. Add your entry. Thank you for your input. Your opinion will be considered. I don't want to say it, let alone think it, but that same list you are carrying around in your pocket probably makes it hard to walk upright, maybe? At least at times I try, even if I have a tendency to fail.

the noise

Its 1 in the morning. Every night the same strange tapping noise comes from the apartment above and to the left.

It excites and interests me.

the trinty of blog posts. -mix, update, video day

Three things in one day. Pretty exciting.

When I was moving out here to Chicago a friend from high school said all road trips should have The Weight by The Band as part of the soundtrack. So as I embark on another path in life, I figure I'll start it out with that. My time in Chicago has come to an end. Come sunday around 11 am I will be a California resident. I am moving back into my old room. I don't have a job. I don't have a car. I don't have a bike. These things will work themselves out when I get there.

I could probably explain why I am going back, but I also can't. It is pretty much everything. I'll get in to specifics, but till then I have this mix. It might help explain. I fly on sunday, keep your fingers crossed for turbulence.

some things in my head - mix - http://www.megaupload.com/?d=4N4007AZ
Last Songs - The Gunshy
Attention All Pickpockets - the Mountain Goats
3am Qvc Shopping Spree Hangover - The Lawrence Arms
Francie Nolan - Lifetime
Tire Swing - Kimya Dawson
Get Big - Okkervil River
The Black And The Red - One Reason
Keep The Car Running - Arcade Fire
One More Time - Joe Jackson
People II: The Reckoning - Andrew Jackson Jihad
Bring on the Dancing Horses - Echo & the Bunnymen
Wherefore Art Thou, Elvis? - The Gaslight Anthem
P.S. New York Is Burning - Jawbreaker

sorry its been so quiet around here

it will liven up soon, i promise.

on a side note, i forgot to go to the bathroom before I got on the train, and it took a long time, so i had to piss in an alley, and i sort of didnt get there in time.

things come out of the woodwork

I was browsing through the archives, seeing how I felt about things a few months ago, seeing if I feel different. This was in the comments from Henri - www.corndogandrootbeer.com

The wickedness of youth is the nagging suspicion that your invulnerability might only be bravado.

so, i like baths

I have taken to taking baths. I have had more baths in the month of February than I have since I turned 21. That is 3, if you are counting. I like baths a lot. I relax, I think, I sweat, sometimes I get a little teary and cry some. Writing this makes me want to take a bath, even though I just got out of one.

virginia is for video day

see how I did that?

I was thinking about what to post today, and it was headed in the same sort of sad, self evaluating tone as most of my recent posts. Then I thought, "Hey, everyone knows this stuff already, why don't you do a video day post?" So that is what today is. Video day, with a theme. These are some of my favorite bands, and they all have something in common with imperceptibility, VIRGINIA!

So watch these videos, enjoy your sunday, keep your fingers crossed I don't have some sort of exciting nervous breakdown before we speak again, and if you happen to be in the Evanston, Il area between 3:30 and 10 tonight, come to Chili's, I'll make you a drink.

Tim Barry - Lombardy St (One of my favorite AVAIL songs, so two birds, one video)


Smoke or Fire - The Patty Hearst Syndrome


Strike Anywhere - Instinct


The Riot Before - Take That, The Government (I saw this exact performance in Florida at noonish on a saturday. I was drinking a tall can of PBR. It was nice.)

The Riot Before - live at the Fest 6 from Chris Moran on Vimeo.

And a bonus scene from High Fidelity that keeps playing over and over again in my head for reasons unknown.

the recurring joke that is probably much more serious

I like to say that I am really seven years old. Actually, I think it is funny. That even though I can hold down a job or have a girlfriend or a checking account or drive a car or drink beer or stay out late, I am actually only developmentally seven years old. Pee and Poop jokes are still the best. I like running around whatever house/apartment I am occupying naked. Completely inconsequential things. Except for this feeling I experienced this morning.

I'm really selfish. I'm going to take my ball home and then no one can play selfish. I get upset when people move on with their lives without me. I think I should be massively more important to people than I am or deserve to be. Even the people who I am very important to, its not enough. I can completely abandon friends that I have had for 1,5,10,15, even 20 years, and they should still hang on my every word, thought and emotion.

I am an asshole. A son-of-a-bitch. A piece of shit even. I have very little consideration for other peoples feelings. I showed that by the way I handled moving out to Chicago, and the way I have handled myself since I got here.

I am thankful everyday that my friends and family put up with me. I don't know if I could, or even want to.

I really don't know why I expect people to wait around for me. I always thought, hell, I was sort of raised, that if you wait around you'll get left behind. More and more these days I wouldn't mind getting left behind.

things get better

Happy Zane's Birthday to everyone, or late Valentine's day if you prefer. Valentines Day was very good for me.

I wrote.

For the first time in a long goddamn time I wrote.

It felt very good. More to come today!

snowy cold hugs for everyone.

200 - mix

I love that numbers like this get us all sentimental. This is my 200th post on this blog. In high school I had a crude diary on a free server that I had to code everyday and upload. Then I had a couple other blogs and misc things. This one was started less than a month before I moved from Lancaster to Sacramento. It survived the move there and back. I think for the most part I did too. It stayed with me through the pretty consistent chaos that has been the last year. Everything on here is wordy, except when it's not. It's sad, except when its happy. It's boozy, actually, pretty much always. One of my favorite things about blogging (besides the invitations to orgies at my own funeral) is putting together a mix for an occasion, sorting it, uploading it, and sharing it. If there is any occasion, this is one, so I put 13 songs that are just killing me softly (and sometimes not so soft). There are some older stuff, some newer stuff, and some surprising stuff, maybe. It's about this blog, the stuff I've written about, the stuff I didn't write about, and the people who still check this out. Brew some coffee, put some booze in it, browse through some of the older posts, before I knew what labels were, and enjoy. I'm actually listening to this mix as I type this, and it's pretty fucking good. Have a good chinese new year, even though I'm a few days late.

200 - http://www.megaupload.com/?d=3FPI56CD
Joining The Army - Lucero
Our Life Is Not A Movie Or Maybe - Okkervil River
I'm Sorry for Saying I'm Sorry - The Arrivals
Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley
Personal Slump - The Weight
The Wright Wrong - The Wunder Years
Red Alibi - Sparta
Never Get To Know - Paul Baribeau
God Deciding - Hot Water Music
The Condition - Defiance, Ohio
Song for Dennis Brown - The Mountain Goats
That's What You Get - Paramore
Hot Knives - Bright Eyes

...

I am existential crisis. I sit in a leather chair at a bookstore and talk with my mother. I want to make sure she is sober. I want to make sure she is ok. I just talk about myself instead. I tell her what I'm thinking, almost. SO i say goodbye and I walk down the street. The sun is down. It is cold. Cars drive past and their headlights bloom. It might be tears. It might be my eyes quiting on me. Strangers and their children look at me. They know. They can see it. I got rid of most of my stuff. I left some of it in the care of others. I took plains and buses to get 2,011 miles away, the long way. And what do I do? I still ask if you would like a PRESIDENTE margarita. I don't play guitar. I play it less, which I didn't think was possible. I don't write. I barely even think. Except for tonight. This light won't change. I don't change either. I have to cross the street. I have to make money. I have to pay rent. I have to be an adult. I am existential crisis. I can't change my mind. I can't give up. I cant retreat. I can't deem the whole experiment a failure. I can't try a different trajectory. I can't try a different location. I can second guess. And I do. And I will, no matter what happens. I'm standing on a corner waiting for a light to change, but I'm also riding in a car in the dark of the desert with a song playing, and I'm sitting in the back of a van on a nameless highway, and I'm looking out the window of an suv at some homes I'll never own and wondering why people kill and thinking I could never feel that way. Till I do. I am existential crisis. It shows on my face. My tables and coworkers think I'm tired. They ask if I'm sad. They ask if I'm drunk. They ask if I'm hungover. And I am. But not the way they get hung over. I forget to ask people how they want there meat cooked. Instead I standing on a balcony in the hills or lying naked in a car or screaming with all my heart or being screamed at. 365 days ago. I am a year older, a year of difference. But it feels like I just read a book about it. I get an extra day this year. I'll fuck it up like the rest. Not the rest of the world, but the rest of my days. I am existential crisis.

i am very excited for this part two

Here is the mix of the meme I promised.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=LY17AA4N

i am very excited for this

My computer is working. Swimmingly. Bill and Crystal just spent a week here, and I was black-out drunk 6 of 7 nights. It was good times indeed. (They are actually still here, their flight got cancelled after 6 hours of delays, so they are staying by the airport, I think.)

The first official duty of blogging will be to do the future music meme from Imperceptibility.
Rules are simple. Be honest and use shuffle. I will be doing this "live", so here we go! (I'll be making a playlist to upload to, because thats how it should be)

Q: What does next year have in store for you?
This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody) - Talking Heads

Q: What does your love life look like next year?
Candy Cane - The Loved Ones

Q: What do you say when life gets hard?
Lonely Girls - Lucinda Williams

Q: Song that reminds you of good times?
Cattle and Cane - The Go-Betweens

Q: What do you think when you get up in the morning?
Confession - Drag the River

Q: What song will you dance to at your wedding?
#1 Defender - New End Original

Q: Song that reminds you of your first kiss?
Prove My Love - the Violent Femmes

Q: Your favorite saying?
Restless - The Broadways

Q: Favorite place?
Mosh For Jesus - Dillinger Four

Q: Most Missed Memory?
Suburban Myth - Less than Jake

Q: What song describes your best friend?
Overtime - Lucinda Williams

Q: What song describes your ex?
Truth - Drag the River

Q: Where would you go on a first date?
Mole - The Mountain Goats

Q: Drug of choice?
Blue Valentines - Tom Waits

Q: What song describes yourself?
Flashing Lights - Kanye West

Q: What is the thing you like doing most?
Cupid's Choke Hold - Gym Class Heroes

Q: The song that best describes the president?
Bloody Resolutions - Crass

Q: Where will you be in 10 years?
On the Picket Fence - The Good Life

Q: Your love life right now?
Three Summers Strong - Hot Water Music

Q: What is your state of mind like at the moment?
Clueless - Pinhead Circus

Q: How will you die?
How Low - Against Me!


I like the way that turned out! I had fun reactions to some of the songs, you know, the ones you forget are on your computer. The lyrics for some are better than the titles, and it flows nice musically. I'm going to make breakfast burritos while I get this uploaded.

something to think about

I know it is a little early. I was standing at a show with a series of strange and exiting and sad and hopefully feelings flying around my brain. It all stopped for a second, and the title of these "last words" popped into my head.

Football Season is Over. - Hunter S. Thompson
No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun -- for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax -- This won't hurt.


Have a good day.