X is for Xeno...

I am not sure where I have gone. These last few days I make choices, turn down streets, pull my wallet out, or stare into a mirror and it is like watching a bad play. My movements are stiff, the dialogue is disjointed and unnatural, and there are new participants every scene. It is strange, awkward at least, painful at best.

That fall really took it out of me. It was forced detox, cold turkey. That routine is gone now. That habit doesn't fit into my daily routine.

But it was always anything but routine.

A goodnight kiss between beers at a bar down the street.
A couch cuddle session on a thirty minute break.
A sunrise through a window when least expected.
A declaration of desire in a tent in a yard.
A long walk with no map or sidewalks.
A poem.
A look.
A word.

No routine.

The silence that has taken the place of that is overwhelming. All my thoughts are as sharp as a pin dropping into my skin. My breaths are hard and deliberate, no longer my body remembering to stay alive. My words are strewn everywhere, left to rot, be crushed, be lost, and be forgotten on front yards, in alleys, on stall walls and on the ceiling of my bedroom.

A stranger walks the hall, drives my car, makes my money, and writes this.

These words don't look right either.

24/26

lights of the (sort of) city

I am supposed to be asleep. I have a meeting at work in 5ish hours. I was supposed to be working tonight, but I didn't. Somedays you get sick. Somedays you pretend.

I'm looking out of my new window. There is also another window to my right. Both of them show lights. A shopping center. An intersection. A gas station. A liquor store.

It is pretty hot in my house, even now, at 1:32 in the morning. I have a bed made up in the living room, with a fan blowing on it, with a beautiful woman in it. I should be in it.

Something about all of this makes me feel really old.

The cursor sat there blinking at me. I could do nothing about it. I'm going to try to sleep. I'll get to what all this nonsense is about later.

the times we do, the times we don't

I got a digital camera for Christmas in 2005. I have taken a lot of pictures on it. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 4000. That is at least what I have saved. There are pictures from 3 going away parties, a last night in town, 6 or 7 different states, costume parties, birthdays, nights at bars, beaches, mountains, airports, trains, buses, friends, girlfriends, ex-friends, people I never see anymore, kitchens, living rooms, bedrooms, garages, yards, patios, apartments, houses, a pool, and my own blood.

I had a box, probably 14x20, full of pictures taken with traditional cameras. 35mm, 110 mm, disposable, polaroid. Sometime before I got the digital camera I threw all of those pictures away. I don't miss them, those times didn't seem familiar. I didn't long for them, I am happy they are gone. In terms of the pictures I own, I didn't exist before 2005.

It is a strange feeling, feeling like you didn't exist, when you know you did.

That might be why I take a lot of pictures now. I often forget to take pictures when something momentous is happening. The everyday stuff, I'm there for. And those pictures turn out better anyways.

On my preperation for my descent into hell.

I have to be at the DMV in one hour. I woke up a hour ago. I have almost got my mind ready. I should have scheduled my appointment closer to the start of a happy hour. You, DMV, are not my friend.

I haven't spent enough time in hotel bars. I haven't spent enough time in hotels.

Tonight there is supposed to be an exciting game of edward 40hands. What is edward 40hands? From wikipedia.

Edward Fortyhands (also known as 80 Ounces to Freedom or The 40 Challenge) is a drinking game in which each player duct tapes a 40 oz. bottle of alcohol (usually malt liquor) to each of his or her hands and is not allowed to remove them until they've been consumed. Typically, before the alcohol has been completely ingested, the drinking party will need to urinate, smoke a cigarette, answer a phone call, or something similar, giving each participant an incentive to finish their alcohol as quickly as possible. This often leads to humorous scenes of similarly-handicapped players attempting to unzip others' pants or light cigarettes using teeth, feet, or elbows. It can also be used as a "goal" for the game: to see who can abstain from these activities until they are finished with their drinks.

Yup, it's friday. Here's a video, just for fun.