The withdrawl of troops

The mornings come faster then a week ago. There is more noise: the rumbling of stomachs, the creaking of knees, and the ever-present soundtrack of men from Scotland trying to find the same place in their lives that I am flipping a coin to choose to run away or hide from. The cough is back, it is strong. It fell from trees, broke both arms, but quickly dusted itself off and ran straight down the street. There is no blood though. No open wounds. No trickle from my nose. My heart is finding ways to pound, but it does it's best work in dreams of old houses and drunk texts to women who don't even exist anymore. Or rather women who don't exist the same way in my heart or my head. There is more smoke. There is a hell of a lot more fire. There are fortresses, encampments, armadas, fronts, prison camps and place to smuggle all the worthwhile things out of the country that is my life. The fucking skin is fleeing my finger tips. It has been a while but it is still too familiar. If I had saved my photographs from the friends and places of years before this would be the time to set them on fire. I recruit new hands, new captains of ships that I will run into ground. No self destruction this time; Just trying to sow together a quilt to remember everything that isn't around anymore. Things I miss and the things I will forget. I am cramming my life full of living, someones idea of dreaming, and losing everything I can't keep in my pockets. Grab a bucket, there are holes everywhere.

X is for Xeno...

I am not sure where I have gone. These last few days I make choices, turn down streets, pull my wallet out, or stare into a mirror and it is like watching a bad play. My movements are stiff, the dialogue is disjointed and unnatural, and there are new participants every scene. It is strange, awkward at least, painful at best.

That fall really took it out of me. It was forced detox, cold turkey. That routine is gone now. That habit doesn't fit into my daily routine.

But it was always anything but routine.

A goodnight kiss between beers at a bar down the street.
A couch cuddle session on a thirty minute break.
A sunrise through a window when least expected.
A declaration of desire in a tent in a yard.
A long walk with no map or sidewalks.
A poem.
A look.
A word.

No routine.

The silence that has taken the place of that is overwhelming. All my thoughts are as sharp as a pin dropping into my skin. My breaths are hard and deliberate, no longer my body remembering to stay alive. My words are strewn everywhere, left to rot, be crushed, be lost, and be forgotten on front yards, in alleys, on stall walls and on the ceiling of my bedroom.

A stranger walks the hall, drives my car, makes my money, and writes this.

These words don't look right either.

24/26

K is for Knowledge...

11/26

H is for Hollow...

I was standing outside of a bathroom door. I had to empty the last of my drink into my gut. The night was winding down, or maybe, just getting started. I could smell the chain smoke on my fingers. I looked out, through the dark, over the bar, past the white lights, around the tables and into the dance floor. A little girl twirled. That is all they do, twirl. Then they get older and break your fucking heart. The bride danced, her new husband head and shoulders above the crowd. The breeze had died down, but the cold still hung around. My empty cup joined some distant cousins on a crowded post. Men in nice suits and cheap tuxes shared stories that must have been about conquests or drunken choices; their eyes and laughs gave them away. Some friends of mine huddled around a low table smoking, drinking, smiling and dancing just a little. I made myself promise not to forget the scene: the lights, the air, the joy and my heart beating in my head. The door opened and I walked in. "I'm going to sit here on the step, it is warm in here." I leaned down and kissed her.

8/26

did someone say hiatus?

Sounds like a great fucking idea to me! I've got things to deal with, yards to sit in, songs to write, places to put of visiting, vigils to keep, and, oh yeah, money, pills and girls.


"Watching simpsons, afraid to call you..."


It'll only be a couple of weeks, I promise!

Her name was Jessica

I met her sometime during my junior year. She was a transfer to our little private school community. I remember having a science class with her. And I remember one of my good friends was trying to pick up on her. I was making out with a different girl named Jessica who I had a crush on the previous year but now decided to return the favor. I got invited to a birthday party by a girl who was a couple of years younger than me who I was kind of friends with. I wanted to buy her a present, so I asked if this new girl Jessica wanted to go to the mall with me. At this point my friend wasn't trying to pick her up anymore. After we went shopping there was a couple of hours until I had to take her home and go to this party. I half jokingly asked her if she wanted to go make out. She said sure. I took her to my mother's boss house, who was in England. We took a pad off of a pool lounge chair and put it on the ground and started making out. I got to second base as fast as I could but got stopped there. I spent the next 45 minutes or so with my hand up a shirt, sloppy kisses on my mouth and grinding my crotch into hers, jean on jean. I still remember how uncomfortable that felt. I took her home, we laughed and joked the whole way to her place. We hung out a few more times, hooked up and enjoyed each others company. Then she started dating someone, and I think I started dating someone and we just stayed friends.

About 9 months later I was keeping myself occupied with random girls and thoughts of college and everything that happens the last months of your senior year. My parents were in the process of splitting up. They still lived at the same house but spent a lot of time with the people who would become my steps. One particularly lonely afternoon I called Jessica. I invited her over. We hadn't hooked up since Christmas the year previous probably, or maybe later, or sooner, I don't remember. When she showed up at my door the first thing she said was that she wasn't going to kiss me. I hugged her and said no problem. We walked through my empty house to my bedroom. I think she had been over before, probably for a party. I put on some cd that was killing me at the time and we sat on the bed. Soon we were laying together, sort of spooning, sort of anxious, sort of distant. I think she said she had changed, that she didn't do that sort of stuff anymore. I told her again that it was ok. I told her I wasn't looking for that. She asked what I was looking for. I told here I just wanted someone there, someone to help fill the empty house, but life back into the coffin that had become my bed, my room, my house, my life. She looked shocked, a little. She hadn't signed up for this. I didn't know what she expected. Probably to repeatedly push away my advances. Maybe to give in. Maybe early afternoon sex. Maybe a bible reading. But she didn't get any of that. She just laid there next to me with a hand in my hair until she had to go home. And she left.

We didn't mention that afternoon. We rarely talked, except for school stuff and mild gossip at lunch. I think she is married now with a kid. And on that one day she did more than she will ever know for me.

Even if the sky must fall

I'm still recovering from my last 24 hours. 2 hours of sleep after a very large beer and champagne before I drove to the airport at 3:30 in the morning then some more sleep. It was a day of listening to songs written by my friends, singing along to others, and writing my own. I wrote a song today that I am very proud of and is the most honest thing I have ever created. I was supposed to go watch basketball with Whit, but I ate dinner with my roommate Crystal and had an evening of great conversation. Bill got home and he got to hear the song and he showed me a video interview with this guy Jeffery Brown. Bill went to bed and I stayed up and read two of his books. I'm putting off going to bed because I'm not looking forward to doing it alone. I guess some nights have to be this way so you appreciate the others. Goodnight.

choose or loose

Does MTV still do that? I know they don't show videos anymore, and they cast maid of honors for reality weddings, and they continue to perpetuate stereotypes that lead to affluent white kids having shittily themed parties. (And I gladly leave my birthday plans out of that one. Seriously. How many of those bastard kids know about the five percent nation? That's what I thought. Besides, drinking a forty isn't ironic, its cheap.)

Now that is out of the way. Karaoke songs.

I have been trying to figure out what karaoke song would "do it for me". Its a good question. As mentioned previously, I am not super excited when a woman sings some sort of woman empowerment song. Not because I am anti-women's liberation. But because I don't want to hear a woman scorned singing a song by a woman scorned about being a woman scorned. Call me old fashioned.

When I karaoke, I like to sing songs by women. To some segment of the crowd it's shocking. Maybe. Probably not. But it opens the door to theatrics more than a korn song. Most songs by guys are warbly and screamy and growly, and I am not good at those things. I'm not even good at singing. It is easier to stumble through a song by a lady because my vocal gymnastics are limited.

So I think the criteria for a song that would do it for me would be this. Anthemic. Not too short. A breakdown. And by a member of the opposite sex. So if you really want to get me, you should probably brush up on your meatloaf. And if you want to get your shy friend to duet with you on "Paradise by the Dashboard Light", well, I might have to buy the two of you breakfast. ;)

whose excited for a quarter life crisis?

I am definitely. On the 16th, I will be aged 25. I am looking forward to it. Not as much as 27 and the whole return of saturn thing, but 25 will do for a year. I basically just wanted to show off the flyer I made for the festivities. If you're interested, show up!

my first sin was a young american girl

A couple of days ago Bill and I hung out. We got my money back on a car battery, we had lunch, we went shopping. Our shopping consisted of a single stop at a LEVI outlet. I bought some pants, some skinny jeans, something I have been enjoying lately. Bill bought some pants too. I knew the girl who rang up our purchases.

It was Kimmy Martinez. The first girl I ever kissed.

And by kissed, I mean kissed. Behind a church, after a youth church meeting; tongue, teeth and erections.

(For the longest time when I was making out, I was aroused. It still happens today. Some women inspire the hardest erections with the slightest touch. I am fourteen.)

So there she was, working part or full time at a retail establishment that saw less than 35 customers a day. And she looked the same, how I remembered her. Her body was slimmer, her face was the same. I caught her looking at me the way she periodically did back then; head down a little, eyes pushed up as high as possible, as if she was a librarian looking over her reading glasses. For a second I was thrown back to those days, being 14, knowing nothing about women, but wanting to know everything. I wondered what it would be like to kiss her now, but that thought soon left with the realization that it could never happen again, and it shouldn't.

See, she has a boyfriend, and a child, and what would appear to be a full time job. Her parents live in San Francisco, one brother is married, one is toiling away in a horrible band, at least the last I heard that was the case.

And me...

Some ways I am the same. Parents in different places. In some ways I am different. No children, no siblings, no significant other.

So we said goodbye. Said it was good to see each other. Said we hoped to see each other again.

And that was probably the biggest lie of them all.

the tyranny of winks

;) - that is a wink.

What does that mean? It's not like a live wink, where I know if you want to fuck me or punch me or steal my wallet. You could mean one of those things, or all of those things, or none at all.

So what to do?

I ignore it, usually. Sometimes I throw it back. Like "Oh, really? Well, I feel that way too!" Too bad I have no idea if I do feel that way or not.

I am more of a sarcastic winker, I think.

Actually, I am just trying to keep up with the winking Joneses. I pretend that whatever you think I meant was what I actually meant.

Now I have some winking text messages to send, ;)

the distance between us is minimal, from myself to my heart is miles

Things are things. Feelings come and feelings go. Possessions break down. Suns rise and suns set. The world turns. Our savings gain and deplete. We consume. We waste. We rot.

That ran through my head, over and over and over and over. The room and my head were spinning in a sea of champagne. Someone was pulling out of my driveway, I could see their headlights on my blinds in my window.I didn't want them to leave. But then I did. I took off my shirt and pants and threw pillows back from the floor onto the bed. I put on a mix. I pushed off the sheet, I pulled up the comforter. I arranged the extra pillows around my body like women who had yet to have enough of me. The light was off and the room was blue from the computer screen.

Things are things. Over and over again. Things are things.

I revealed a crush that had existed. Or it hadn't existed. It could have been made up. It could have been the adding of layers to a thirty-one second thought while standing next to someone in a line. Or it could have been consuming me whole, just under the surface. But, really, that is not the case.

I opened my phone to make things right, with the recently departed, and realized nothing had gone wrong. I pushed forward thinking "NO! She doesn't understand!", but what was there to understand? That tonight I sat in the yard and told her things I have told someone else in her chair days before, and will probably tell someone new the same things again in a weeks time? That this excitement I was feeling in seeing her exists only in the pursuit, and that once I see her the excitement fades? That someone somewhere would give much more than I am willing to part with someone of lesser quality than her? That I honestly don't really care?

Things are things.

And they are. And everyday people are creeping closer to sharing the label of things. And is that good? Or bad? Or neither? When do I start assigning worth to people? When I know there names? When I know there phone number? When I know their house? When I know how there heart breaks?

Things are things. Heartbreaks are heartbreaks. I love the people I love.

I need to stop thinking I I am some sort of hunter/gatherer and get back to falling in love.

somewhere there is a wagon

I own a large package. It is not my dick. It is a box of self-destruction. It manifests itself in areas of addiction: booze, women, writing, music, using people for my own happiness. I make horrible decisions. I say horrible things. I look out for only myself. And that is me. There is no hidden aspect of my life. Ask me, and I will tell you. I don't worry about coming off as a sinner or a saint, because I am usually both. I just worry about living. It gets me into trouble. It makes me feel alive.

I have spent the last week thinking about the same thing. How to approach it. How to handle it. How to respond to it without being crazy. But I am crazy. And it is wearing me down. And I think they know it. And I think I am playing into their hands.

I owe bobb a mix, it will show up tomorrow.

monday, sunday, whatever.

I understand what it is to be an adult. I mean, I know how to postpone things. No new insight into life or anything exciting like that. Sorry.

I am also sorry I never got around to recapping my trip. It was a really good time, and it was exactly what i needed.

I've had a bunch of crazy nights. The trip to the lake started it off. It has been just short of completely ridiculous every night since. I think I've been to bed before 4 once since Tuesday, and that was 3:30. Tonight should be no exception. Yesterday was a going away party. Tonight is the going away after party (her last night at her favorite bar). Isn't it comforting to know I am not waist deep in alcohol alone, but I have friends to wade through it with me?

My body feels like I did any sort of strenuous activity for a week straight. I am old man sore. My body hates me.

I am hoping to put up something tomorrow. I started on it today and it will probably be pretty emotional. It should turn out good, or at least the way I want it to.

And I have something pretty exciting planned, and I will announce it tomorrow.

This video is of a song on the mix Tony made for my trip. See you tomorrow.

number 100: there's a lot of cock blocking.

this is my 100th post. It will contain the same quality as the rest.

none.

previously: this picture is from a Dodger game on monday. Pepper's paid for it.
currently: I AM SHITHOUSED.
expectantly: more cock blocking.

Prologue: So, this is the 100th post. I am sure some meant more than others. I have loved them all the same. Patterns have developed. Theres booze. That's the one that is almost always there. From there we have making out, ladies, and pussy bullshit (thoughts and feelings, it happens to all of us.) And that is it. I am filled with booze, ladies and tears. I haven't changed much in a long time.

Today turned into the perfect cliff notes version of my life. Honest. I didn't even plan it. I'm gonna slang some bullets, because it's fun, and then I'll hit it all up with a life summary/ knowing is half the battle sort of thing.

• Although it technically counts as yesterday, I was drunk and tried to fall into some play. It didn't happen.
• I woke up at 6:45 for a Responsible Alcohol Service class.
• I played a show at a mostly empty bar.
• I met a girl before that. She was nice, she became crazy. But not like all the others.
• I ate a bag of popcorn and took a nap.
• I got picked up for a party.
• The girl I was with kissed me, then a lady, and then a whole lot of back and forth.
• Black Mike is FREE!
• I went to Maxdon's.
• My ex was on a date with a very cool guy from further southern california. I am happy for her, but something is strange.
• Robert drove me home.

I am going to need a night to process the evening. I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind. I am emotionless, but I am feeling something. I am confused.

Drunk sleep for all.

what are YOU doing...

sorry, no picture.

I find myself standing in my doorway at night. Usually music is playing, a drink is in my hand, and sometimes I am sending messages on my cell phone. And I am standing there, or leaning, depending on how far advanced into the evening I am. And I am waiting.

I LOVE unexpected visits.

Every night I think this will be the time when someone decides to show up unannounced and hang out. We'll drink beers, or do shots, or talk about politics, or dance, or make out, or fall in love, or yell at each other, or just plain live.

But I end up standing there, and no one shows. And no one calls. And no one sends text messages. And no one sends emails.

I love my friends, and they are always there and always show up. It's the others I would like to see more often.

More drinks for me, have a good weekend.

10 years ago, oh fuck...

I was inspired by a post Island Girl did about herself 10 years ago. Big ups to her for this one.

10 years ago, this exact week, I had just finished my freshman year of high school. Tomorrow, I would be going to the KROQ Weenie Roast (look at that lineup! WOW!) Summer had just started, I discovered making out, and I loved the shit out of Nirvana. Thinking that the best way to get into my head, or rather, the me of 10 years ago, I pulled out my yearbook. Here's some quotes about me.

• "You are truly someone to take sides with." - Liz Blanchard
  
• "I have really, really enjoyed our time over the past year. You are such a sweetheart, your great hugs (even though you crushed my boobs sometimes), and loving words have been so nice to hear over the past year" - Jessica Pickle I had a HUGE crush on this junior. She moved to Colorado and wrote me a letter once. I had that letter for a long time.
• "I hope you come here all 4 years, so I can watch you grow" - Joy-Carin Rufener

And then a whole bunch of people saying "You're Cool" or "KIT" or "Have a great Summer!". I would like to think that as I got older and more developed as a person the messages in my yearbook would get better, but they are probably mostly the same.

It is pretty strange to look at something like a yearbook 10 years later. I was trying to remember things from then, and I remember some, but it made me remember a lot more. Enough of this reminiscing, I'm going to go for a walk.

...or don't - mix

I haven't put up a mix in a while. I was going to figure out the way CYSTSFTS? does it, but I am little lazy, so this weekend I will.

There is going to be a housewarming party Saturday night at my house if anyone is interested. I am going to go out on a limb and say that there will be a lot of drinking, nudity and a hopefully some making out. (I try and come up with ways to use making out as a tag every chance I get now, just for Marleigh.)

This mix has nothing to do with the house warming party. It's a representation of this feeling that shows up for 15-20 random minutes a couple of times a day. I enjoy it, the feeling and the mix.

Enjoy your weekend.

...or don't - http://www.megaupload.com/?d=1NYUXHSD
Personal Slump - The Weight
Black - Okkervil River
Melatonin - Silversun Pickups
The Lonely Vampires Club - The Wunder Years
10 Years Later - Mates of State
Memorial Day - Paint It Black
Jackie Lee - Off With Their Heads
Hast Thou Considered the Tetrapod? - The Mountain Goats
Luca - Brand New

almost a second chance

I spent 20 minutes trying to find the right music to play while I wrote this. It ended up being Hey Mercedes.

I am not one to have a large backpack full of regrets, more like a wallet, a little kid wallet. I remember when I got my first wallet, it was a shitty red nylon one, and it had some change, a dollar or two, a picture of my parents and something with my address on it. Stupid little thing. Anyways, my "regret wallet" is mostly empty. I put events/people/places into it occasionally, and after a few years/months/days/minutes I take them out, realizing I am happy where I am now, and I wouldn't be here with/without that thing.

I do regret not buying the last Jawbreaker album when I found out about them in junior high and they were still together, but I probably would have sold it back at some point to buy a korn record, so I am actually ok with it. Besides, who would have wanted to be that cool in junior high? (HA!)

The main regret tormentor has always been my involvement with the fairer sex. Not the ones I actually stumbled into some sort of relationship but the ones I didn't. And not the ones I didn't because they saw behind the curtain or I wasn't boxing my weight, but the ones who because of circumstances it was impossible.

I had a girlfriend. They had a boyfriend. They lived in another state/country. They were married. I didn't know there name. I was moving away. They were moving home.

It's not even really a regret, actually. It's a what-if? What if any of those mitigating factors were gone and something could have happened, even for a night?

Most of these girls are very long gone and forgotten, thrown out with the boxes of pictures/address books/childhood memorabilia I have left at the dump during one of my many moves. Names and faces blur together. Did I meet them in a store, or under a tree, or at a friends apartment, or never at all?

Those chances never present themselves again.

Except this time.

I might have a second chance at a first shot.

the omniscient narrator has a drink

Tuesday night I sat in a bar with Bill in a booth removed from the main action of the evening. There was some interesting sexual power plays going on between some friends and acquaintances. There was a moment where the tension got kicked up more than a few notches. The type of situation where your body gets really hot and you have a thin layer of sweat that just jumps off of your skin. It can be scary/exciting when it is you. Like when you get caught in a lie, or kiss comes from nowhere, or when Grossman drops back to pass. It is an entirely different feeling when you aren't involved any more than a spectator and it hits you.

Bill and I both said the same thing when this person walked in the door, "I just got really hot!"

About a half hour later a disaster was averted when there was a near miss of awkwardness by timing of arrivals done to the second. It was like watching a movie.

It made me think about how much a second or two puts us in some many different situations in our lives. It is exciting to me to say the least.

**note: picture is not from the other night, but a year and a half ago. same bar, used for reference.