Tuesday, May 29, 2007

What happens in bed stays in bed

I am not going to get out of bed until this is finished.

I haven't been much of a dreamer since I was about 17. Not the sleep time dreams, my teeth fall out while I am stuck in a never ending fall in the middle of Las Vegas at least twice a night, but more the John Lennon type. I don't dream of grandiose changes to the psyche of the American public. I don't hope for the perfect mate to fall out of the bar stool next to me. I try not to make any plans, because I usually sabotage them before the get to pressing. I don't want to be anything.

To an extent, if I want something to happen, I make it happen. But for every night of singalongs around a table of beer I have two nights of working. I know, necessary evil, right? Fuck that. No evil is necessary. If we don't want to do something, we shouldn't. We all make compromises, and I am ok with some of mine, I just don't to be defined by my compromises, or my failures.

It has been said that the Antelope Valley has a large magnetic pull, which not only keeps the meth-heads here, but also pulls back in most long term residents should they happen to move away. It's happened twice for me, once from San Diego and once from Sacramento. I've also been in various stages of planning to move to Ventura, Colorado Springs, Chicago and Minneapolis (the last one is just in my head, which is probably where it will stay).

And all of that ties in with my lack of dreams. My lack of ambition. All of my desire is wrapped up in mostly booze, some making out, and a little music. I can make those three things happen. I can't make anything else work.

I am safe.


Anonymous said...

Well maybe you just haven't found the right thing for you to pursue yet, or the right place for you to move to. Who knows, maybe you really are supposed to stay in this Antelope Valley place forever, lol. That's not necessarily a bad thing...?

But I think getting away from home usually helps. It's hard to stay sane when you're living in the same place you grew up, the same place you went to school... all those archaeological layers of your life to contend with everyday!

But you'll figure it out, I'm not worried about ya! Lots of people who charge off maniacally into something in their early twenties end up misguided and a little unfulfilled (although often wealthy, lol).

And you always have to look to your foundations! It seems you've got those sorted with the Big Three, ha ha.

This comment wins the prize for the longest comment ever.

Whit said...

Maybe you should start drinking earlier in the day. I don't know why, except that we just did. Again.